My Knee-Bunion Adventures

2008-11-03T12:49:00.001-08:00

Later, Cancer!

2008-11-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I had a trip to MD Anderson last week. For the next 4 years, I have to go every 3 months for a routine check-up, MRI and x-rays. On the 5th year, it will be 6 months apart. Most cancer's post-checkups are just twice a year, but i gotta be different! My-my-my- Sarcoma is a type that likes to grow back quickly, so they have to keep a frequent eye on it.

The good news is that everything is clear! The doctors all had good reports.

In other news, this thing is costing us an arm and a leg....er, um...maybe not the best euphamism....I guess NOT costing me a leg is priceless...but, geez! Every 3 months, those payments add up.

(return to state of gratitude.......)

SO: this post is to report that i had a GOOD report!
ALSO: i have started another blog: http://beyondthebunion.blogspot.com/

While i have thoroughly enjoyed, and even relied, on this space to make it through a tough time, i have come to the realization that its time to move on. I actually have days now where i don't even think about CANCER. Recently, there was a time when i didn't know if i'd be able to say that.

Although i am thankful for my experience and all that i've gained from it, i'm SO pissed at Cancer right now. I came away relatively unscathed, but "It" is still messing with people. I have a young cousin fighting it hard, i have 2 dear friends fighting it, a friend's young grandson is fighting it and another friend just lost her father to it! IT SUCKS. Cancer sucks. It's scary as hell.

Going to MDAnderson always stirs up many feelings of last year. Now, I almost feel guilty traipsing in there, with all my hair, and being able to walk myself to where i need to be. How to reconcile feelings of guilt, gratitude, fear, joy is something i've about given up on. I thought i'd have some epiphanies to share....not yet. I'm just rolling with the punches, trying to make the most of each day.

Even though, today, i'm inclined to scoff at the following, most days i find it gives me strength.
I figured it'd be a better note to end on, than my moody tirade.

What Cancer Cannot Do:

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love

it cannot shatter hope

it cannot corrode faith

it cannot destroy peace

it cannot kill friendship

it cannot suppress memories

it cannot silence courage

it cannot invade the Soul

it cannot steal eternal life

it cannot conquer the spirit.

There, i feel better now.

See you Beyond the Bunion.

i took this off a week ago

2008-09-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

It didn't match what i was wearing...even though there have been plenty of times throughout the year I've worn it whether it "matched" or not....it seemed like it was time to take it off.
i put it here by the sink to remember to put it on again. It's sat there all week.

Every morning i see it and i decide not to put it on. i think about it...and my thoughts start to wander, then pool into other thoughts: "Its been a year since surgery" "When is my next appointment?" " I knew I'd screw up continuing with those exercises..." "What am i doing with my Blog...?" "What am i doing with all of this?" So, i took a picture of it....thought about blogging again.

I haven't wanted to put it away. It's true; those silly things are a regular reminder. I have a friend who wears a purple one to remind her to stay positive. Whenever she says something negative, she puts the bracelet on the other wrist. So what if she is regularly switching that thing back and forth, its a great reminder of something she wants to remain focused on.

ok...i just went to my bathroom and put the damn thing back on. I switched wrists so I'm not so used to seeing it that its lost its meaning to me. I think that might have been part of my problem all week...i had really gotten used to seeing it after a year of wearing it, and it has been easy to forget what it means. Maybe "forget" isn't the best word: "ignore" might be more on target.

So, it's been a year of milestones: a year since diagnosis, a year since first treatment, a year since last treatment, a year since Roller Derby fell apart, a year since surgery....and soon a year since rehabilitation. All year, i have forced myself to stay so busy, that i've hardly noticed these milestones. Honestly, my intent in staying so busy was this irresistable urge to make up for lost time...to not waste another moment. Inadvertantly, i find myself in an awkward place. Shouldn't i have celebrated that Year-After-Surgery day? i really can't even say what i was doing that day...what day was that anyway?

i haven't intentionally avoided writing here, but i think My Knee-Bunion Adventures blog is about spent. What are my Knee-Bunion adventures anymore? I go to MDAnderson every 3 months for a check-up...that's about it. On occasion, I'll look at my scar and marvel at what those doctors were able to do....but i'm not moved to write about it. Really, after last year, i got tired of thinking, writing, talking, listening, reading, going through "It".

I need a fresh start. September hardly seems the time to start anew, but its a milestone for me. Last September, I felt so thankful to be able to walk! Every step was labored, but brought me closer to improvement: closer to getting "back to normal". Problem is, now that i've gotten to where i thought that was, I'm not sure that's where i should be. It feels like there is something missing. I'm pretty sure that thing is that "C" word i've been trying so hard to get away from.

"Normal Life" still includes Cancer. The Knee-Bunion is gone, but my experience remains. Shame on me for trying to forget that.

things are weird

2008-07-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

i've been trying to pack to go to Galveston all week. I also have to pack for 2 weeks in Florida...(which is going to be great fun! Tready will turn 4 while we are there and a bunch of family is coming...a trip to Disney is in the works.)
Its thursday, we're leaving tomorrow and I still havent packed.

My week started with a phone call from the wife of a friend of a friend. She had the undesirable task of passing along bad news of our mutual friend. His family was paying their last respects and they were going to take him off life support the next day.

We found out Sunday that he was in a coma, but at that time everyone seemed hopeful that it was temporary. He had emergency heart surgery and it had been a success. Unfortunately, he hadn't had any brain activity since Friday.

Alex was our age. The last time i talked to him was almost a year ago. He was always laughing and up for a good time.

Brad said; "He probably lived 3 lifetimes in his short life."

its funny how someone who you don't see on a regular basis can suddenly occupy your thoughts non-stop. we keep thinking of times we spent together, funny things he said....and thinking about how young he was.

Life is unpredictable, folks.

Don't miss out on opportunities to tell your loved ones how you feel.
Let me seize this one: (sappy alert:)
I am thankful for all of you friends who check up on me here...even if we don't get to chat as much as i'd like....it's good to know that you are there. I LOVE YOU!

Holy Crap! 2 posts in one day!

2008-07-17T20:48:00.001-07:00

well....i finally found something to post about....a Grey Gardens update!

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqwuSFj7wMg

i got so obsessed with this movie last summer that i actually got tired of hearing myself talk about it. Of course, i still drop everything if i hear or see something about it...thus, another post.

Dance! Dance! Dance!

2008-07-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

This may be old news, but its new to me. This guy danced all over the world!

14 months in the making, 42 countries, and a cast of thousands....
check it out; it will make you smile!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

I love Pee Wee Herman

2008-05-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me why, but i always have, from the very first time i saw him on HBO, when i was in Middle School in Arkansas. It was an onstage production in the early 80's, not really designed for kids, even. Maybe it was seeing a grown-up being so darn silly...acting like a kid, but having the run of the place--HIS VERY OWN PLAYHOUSE! It might have been that awesome little suit, or his goofy laugh....something about PeeWee mesmerized me and i was an instant fan. I would hold my tape recorder up(pressing Play and Record) to our big Zenith Floor TV, so i could listen to it repeatedly and show my friends.

THEN...i discovered an ad for his fan club in the back of Rolling Stone magazine. Here is a picture i found of me wearing the shirt i ordered....this is my friend and i at Myrtle Beach, SC., early 80's. (like my braces?)

I wish i still had that shirt. It was an extra large, "as was the fashion those days", and looked really cool belted with some leggings and my purple and white checked Vans. If i really felt like being New Wave, i'd roll a bandana up really tight and wrap it around my forehead. Too bad i got green food coloring all over the back of the shirt that day i tried to dye my hair at my friend's house. We thought we were so punk!! (Hey--i was in 6th grade; i didn't know the difference between hair dye and food dye yet! We didn't have our parents permission--we had to use whatever we could get our hands on!!)

I still have the autographed photo i received as a club member. The signature is smeared, from when i did the official autograph authenticity check: licking your finger and rubbing over the ink to see if its not printed on the photograph.

Of course it's really his autograph! I'm his biggest fan, don't you know?

Dear Tooth Fairy,

2008-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

(I tried to scan this one but its too faded to show up.)

Dear Tooth Fairy:
Here's my tooth. My mom said you were magic, so I would like it if you would make this wish. But first I want you to know that I've wished it all my life. Here it is: Can I be magic? I've wished it on stars, eyelashes, and my birthday candles. So will you make me magic? Wake me up if you have to, I just want to be magic. ANd may I have your phone number? This is something extra good for me. IF you can, can I have a dress like yours? And a wand?
Well, I love you,
Love Kristen

The funny thing is that i remember writing this. I must have been in 2nd grade, judging from my handwriting and my genuine belief in the tooth fairy. I was still living in Hendersonville, NC and recall my room in the house my parents built.

One night i wished upon a star. I wished i may, i wished i might, have this wish i wished that night....i wished that my teddy bear would come alive when i opened my eyes. I layed there wishing so hard, i actually believed that it would happen. My excitement soon turned to concern, the longer i fantasized about this wish: i wasn't sure that he would be a nice bear...and i started to wonder what would happen if he ran away. if i got up and was chasing him around the house, i could get in trouble because it was bedtime. I didn't ever open my eyes and eventually fell asleep.

When i woke up, the bear was gone. It had actually just fallen to the floor, but there were a few minutes where i truly believed my wish had come true. Surely, I was disappointed when i found it, but i don't remember that let-down. What I can vividly recall is the excitement i had in those few minutes...magical.

Dear Pee Wee Herman

2008-05-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Pee Wee Herman,
I am your BIGGEST fan in the entire world! ok? See, I have this "little" cat, and i named him Pee Wee, after you. Is that gratitude, or what? AND my mom said she wasn't going to pay for me to be in your club or for a T-shirt unless I worked for it. SO i had to clean out our garage. Our dogs live in our garage, and there was doo-doo that I had to clean out. IT was gross, but you're worth it, right?

ANyway, enclosed is $10.00 for a STYLE B PeeWee Herman X-TRA large T-Shirt AND also enclosed is $6.00 for me to b e in the COOL OFFICIAL PEE-WEE HERMAN FAN CLUB.

Send to your #1 FAN:
Kristen RUby
2925 Turtle Creek
Jonesboro, AR 72401

Back to the Present

2008-05-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

Since i have been at Dad's house, i've been traveling back in time. All i have to do, is go up in the attic and start digging through boxes....and i am transported to childhood days.

Most people who know me know that i love a bargain, dig garage sales and i am a packrat. If you didn't know that, you probably haven't been to my house, classroom or studio.

I already realized that i collected similar things as my mom (jewelry, purses,books,art supplies,anything on sale,etc) A few years back, i helped clean/pack up my grandparents house they lived in for 30+ years and noted their tendencies to save things....and could relate. I also remember my grandma on my dad's side being a "collector"/hoarder. I mean, i've long since recognized my behavior is deeply ingrained from my family...

So i shouldn't be surprised when my dad hands me an envelope with all my baby teeth and/or notes for the Tooth Fairy...or when i find an envelope labeled "Newspaper from Kristen's 16th birthday". There were also boxes which contained costumes from recitals at "Mrs. Pat's School of Dance" in the 70's. How about these fun Fisher Price toys?

When you open the barn door, you hear a "moooo" sound. My little 'un was as excited as i remember being over that. Dad had saved the animals, the silo, the cars, garage, circus tent....all these toys i used to love, but have been long since forgotten.

I had also forgotten about this doll, which i used to think was the most beautiful doll in the world. I don't remember who gave it to me, but i think its from Japan (?). I do remember the 8 ball.

Also in this box are posters made for my mom after a surgery in the 80's, a Raggedy Andy doll and an E.T costume my mom made for my sister one Halloween.

Here is a project i made for the Houston Livestock & Rodeo show in 1989.

i remember working on this the night before it was due. My dad made the base for me at the last minute...i won a blue ribbon.

That night, I laid awake in bed for hours thinking about this whole packrattery business. Some of these boxes had things wrapped in newspaper from 1981, which means they had been moved from Arkansas to Houston to Delaware without ever being unpacked. I actually found a suitcase i'd made a "Time Capsule" of sorts from Middle School~ (notes about "Do you like me? Check yes or no ") Why did i feel compelled to save that stuff? Why did my dad want to save all our stuff?

I whittled it down to sentimentality. By the time I had made my Time Capsule suitcase, we were on our 2nd big move in my short lifetime...i think i wanted to cling to familiarity as i approached the unknown new territory.

Now that i have a lil'un, I understand the interest in saving the kid's stuff. It isn't the actual scratched/ faded plastic Fisher Price toy that you pack away in a box and tuck up in the attic. It is the memory that you are hoping to preserve as you tape it up tight; the giggles, the smiles and the moo-sounds.

After years of absence, these objects can stimulate memories that are long-forgotten. If you have the attic-space, what's the harm in hanging on to something for a time? The hours i spent with my dad time-traveling and reminiscing were worth all the years of lugging these things around.

Reminds me of this needlepoint my mimi had:

Sitting cozy in a blanket in MAY!?

2008-05-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

'Tis strange, but true!

I'm in Hockesin, Delaware, where the azaleas are still in bloom and the temperatures are still delightfully low (60's)! I'm experiencing Springtime again while visiting my dad & Eileen's house.

Look how they put out the Texas flag for us.

You can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the boy!

random thoughts

2008-05-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

i had no idea what to post today, so i started searching thru pictures for some inspiration.

This was taken the first day i figured out that the crutches were slowing me down. I was at an Estate sale, there were beaucoup bargains, and i couldn't hold them all with the durn crutches. I tossed them aside and discovered hobbling.

It was also one of the first ventures out of the house after my surgery. Man, i was excited that day. I found an entire Lawrence Welk album collection...and some plants.

This is what Lil T did with his new underpants; he was so proud of them, he put them on display.

Blowin' and Goin'

2008-04-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, let's see: what's been going on? Last weekend was a little more interesting than the usual going to the gym, never-ending laundry, or working in the flower bed. Aside from the flower beds, which i ought to write of sometime, the rest is so boring i'm rarely inspired to write anymore. Not that i'm bored with it....i just can't bring myself to blog about it. I'm not the wordsmith that my fellow fave bloggers MRT and Madame are. They can make things like Daily Resolutions and Job Rants into interesting reading.

Finally, I've got some fun material. My friend & cohort in silliness, (codename: April Fool) and I have scrounged up some work entertaining in the Assisted Living facilities. What started out as periodic volunteer stints has resulted in 2 regular monthly gigs. We dress all crazy in wigs, hats and goofy socks, then sing and whistle and dance until everyone is ready for a nap. OK, so some of the residents actually nap during the performance, but that comes with the territory. We don't take it personal: we are Professional Goofballs.

Here are some friends who like to sing along...and this fella also whistled.
Last week there was a gal who sang every last word to "Hey Good-Lookin, Whatcha got Cookin'?" We pass out instruments, feather boas and hats...its a regular party.

We sing favorites from the 30's and 40's, sprinkled with some country classics from Patsy Cline and good ole' Loretty. At times, they sing along. Other times they look wistful and daydream. One precious lady cried last week as we all sang "Let me call you sweetheart"...it reminded her of her husband.

On occasion, i've had people mention how they couldn't/wouldn't do what we do. "It's too depressing", they say or "They don't even recognize me anymore" one friend said. Well, i suppose it can be depressing, if you let your thoughts wander in that direction. I think it is more important to think about the people who live there, and put our own feelings aside for just a little while. Sure it might be depressing to visit one of these facilities, but think about these folks who have to LIVE there. They sure do appreciate a visit...whether they recognize you, or not. I think its more important for us to get over a little discomfort and unease, and give these people some genuine, sincere attention. It doesn't take very long and it makes them really happy.

I don't know why i care so much about old people. Maybe because i don't have grandparents left and they occasionally remind me of them. It could be because i fantasize about the way the world was when they grew up. I love their stories, however long. It might be the old movies i love, or maybe the Big Band. I love the teased-up tall hair, and the warbly, off-key hymn singing, funny sayings, polyester suits and sensible shoes.

Or could it be that they are such a captive audience?

Whistling in the Dark

2008-04-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

Presenting: The best thing i've ever made:

(well, except for Lil T, but i can't take all the credit for that one;)

This is the sculpture I displayed in Walley Knight's exhibit called "We've Got Soul, Let's Take Control". The theme was focused on music and each artist was asked to choose an inspirational artist to create their work around. I chose Fred Lowery, who was a famous whistler from East Texas.

He had a very challenging childhood, losing both of his parents , then losing his eyesight to scarlet fever by age 2.

Thanks to the Austin School for the Blind, then the "Golden Age of Radio" he was able to make a living whistling all over the U.S.

Here is a portrait of him when he lived in Jacksonville.

The cotton represents the rural beginning of his life. Those other round objects are eyes, to represent his glass eye he was given when he moved to Austin, in addition to showing the "vision" of this blind man's dedication to sharing his music. Having the opportunity to attend that school changed his life. The first time he had ever seen indoor plumbing was on the trainride to Austin.

From the cotton fields to the Big Stage!

The entire sculpture lights up, turning these Golden Lips into bright stars in the night sky. This is in reference to the name of the sculpture, which is also the name of Mr. Lowery's autobiography: Whisting in the Dark.

One of the most exciting things about this entire project is that i have been in contact with Mr. Lowery's grandson!! I tried to contact the family to get permission to use some quotes and images from the book, and the grandson has emailed me several times. He actually came to Nacogdoches to see the Art Show!! Isn't that awesome?

This has been a very special project for me, on so many levels. Many thanks to all who came to the show and gave support in my efforts to put this thing together!

Here's to making more art...and Whistling in the Dark!!

Greetings Blogglings

2008-04-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

Last night i attended another fun crafty night with the Renegade Craftsters. Even though i didn't participate in the creating, for i was Lil' T's assistant in making a *mess*, I had the inevitable good time.

Everyone made some sweet looking vanilla extract. T and i made some confusing looking sculptures, often mistaken for some sort of cauliflour h'or derves-or-however-you-spellit.

I was talking with one of my friends who i keep up in the Blog-o-sphere and she reminded me that i havent been keeping up on my blog. Yes, its true: so let me see if i can catch up.

I wasted a week of my life last week obsessing manaically about this house:

i was on the phone all day, everyday, trying to rob Peter to pay Paul....i rode by on my bike multiple times, drove out of my way to do drive-bys and gawk to see if someone was there....took pictures, and spent some sleepless nights obsesssing on ways to buy it.i love this door. i love everything about the house....even the hard work it would take to fix it up.

BUT...it ain't happening.
It ends up that i love staying home with lil' T more...and can't fathom going to work and putting him in daycare, just so i can go thru this fancy door everyday.

So, that was my entire week, last week.

This week, I am going to get ready for a garage sale. Who needs a real job?

So i made a sculpture

2008-04-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

So....One of my main goals this year was to incorporate making art into my life! Since college days, i've had spurts here and there (usually for a gift) where i'd make something, but really it wasn't with any regularity. There were several factors that contributed to my lack of creating (tough job, commute, having kid, laziness and an assortment of other excuses) and eventully art began to seem like something i used to do. I felt like i couldn't even call myself an artist anymore. I taught art, but i sure didn't make it.

Well, folks....there's nothing like a little cancer to give you a swift kick in the butt and get you motivated! Oddly enough, during those "early cancer" days, when things are new and scary and unknown, i began to have creative urges for the first time in years. Maybe its because I really needed an outlet more than ever...or it might have been that i didn't have the words to describe certain experiences, so imagery met me half-way.

Also during that time, art spoke to me differently; more intensely. Music had more emotion (thanks Kealy & KQ2) and provided a soundtrack on certain days. Books seemed more profound, exhibits were more intense....Ideas came to me more fluidly than they had in years.

I'm clinging desperately to this newfound inspiration to create. As the days pass and take me further away from that Sarcoma summer, I'm grateful yet scared. I don't want to forget how vividly i felt things....i feel like if i just continue creating, i'll have a lifeline to keep attached. They can be my breadcrumbs, lest i need to find my way back to remember what those times felt like. Its so easy to get bogged down in the daily grind and forget. I'm so scared I might forget.

So i made a sculpture. I've been working on this for months, hence part of the reason i haven't been posting. I was really honored to be invited to participate in an art show, put together by Wally Knight, called "We've Got Soul, Let's Take Control". Each artist was asked to pick a musician who inspired them and interpret it through their art.

I chose Fred Lowery, a famous whistler from East Texas from the 1930's. I carried his autobiography with me all summer, to Houston and back, visiting MD Anderson. I read it in the waiting rooms, sometimes inspired to whistle to my fellow waiting patients to lull boredom. Really, what inspired me what this man's ability to overcome some serious adversity. It reminded me daily that i didn't have it so bad.

Here is his profile.

Here is a picture representing the crappy childhood he had: he lost both his parents by age 2, lost his eyesight when he was 18 months old and was working in the cotton fields by age 5.

Thanks to the Golden Age of Radio, he was able to make a career by whistling all over the US, performing with Horace Heidt's Big Band Orchestra.

i lucked out with this radio cabinet; my friend Marcia GAVE it to me~!

Unfortuately, all I have are these pictures of it before i fiinished it. I was working all the way up to the deadline!! (imagine that!) I'll post recent pictures when i get some.

The opening was this past Saturday...it was SO awesome to be a part of it, because it's motivated me to get busy in the creative department. Now what? I've got a few ideas up my sleeve.....

Good Distractions

2008-04-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

Boy, I sure do hate it when i wait this long to update; where in the world do i begin?

I think I'll mention again how much the computer is a distraction for me...how i can waste lotsa time on here when i should be doing other less enjoyable things ( i.e laundry, dishes, etc.). So, i've spent weeks avoiding the computer and getting caught up with "stuff". Now....I'm back! (Actually, I've been here all along, reading all my favorite blogs & keeping up with y'all. )

So, what's been so distracting? A bunch of mundane things that aren't even blog-worthy, but important enough for me to be driven crazy if they go undone. A lot of stuff left over from the post-surgery days when i couldn't do it myself, but wouldn't want to ask someone else to do it...(such as horrendous dog-hair build-up under the furniture. ) I've been working like a fiend to get that stuff taken care of....so i can focus on more important stuff. I wish i could overlook those things, but its hard for me to take on new tasks until they are tackled.

wow this is a boring blog.

i think i need some pictures to spice things up.

Here is my Number One distraction...a pretty good excuse to fall behind on my blogging, eh?

Ever since the Sarcoma Summer and beyond, I've really tried to make the most of each day. Without the time demands of Roller Derby, Radiation treatments or Physical Therapy....2008 finds me with my days back to myself....and to my little rascal.

I'll eventually get caught up here on the blog-o-sphere.
Things are great....thanks for asking.

2008-02-27T12:27:00.000-08:00

What is the deal with my doctors in the sarcoma dept? I used to get a kick out of Doc#1 calling roller derby "rollerblading"....but this

SPOILER ALERT: Downer post (with a little comic relief at the end.)

2008-02-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

I've been in a funk all day. Once I realized it wasn't actually another Monday, i thought about all the potential downers causing my mood. No wonder it felt like Monday all day!

I've skipped a few work-outs and my laundry is ridiculously piled high ( 3 weeks worth).

I found out yesterday that a friend has been mad at me for some time and just now wants to clear the air.

My kid asserts independence at an alarmingly more regular rate than i've prepared for.

My dog has allergies that make him itch, scratch and bite all the time and make us have to buy him expensive vitamins and expensive dog-food.

My flowerbed is overgrown with weeds. My plants wintering indoors are dying.

I have several looming art projects that i can't seem to find the time for.

I've neglected returning emails, phone calls and blogging.

My car likes to start whenever it damn well feels like it. Maybe the first time....maybe the 13th time. Whenever. Even after we shelled out over $400 to "repair the problem".

All of the above has made me more than a little irritable.

Hmmm.....what else? There is probably other crap, but i'm too tired to reminisce about crappiness.

Isn't this quite the uplifting blog? Sorry. Maybe I'll add a little comic relief towards the end.

THEN i realized that perhaps subconsciously i might be bothered by the fact that i have to get up at FIVE a.m to go to MD Anderson for a 3 month check-up TOMORROW. I really hadn't thought much about it, other than to make arrangements for Lil T, but maybe its been underlying my crappy mood. I mean, I am never caught up with my laundry and have pretty much learned to live with it.

After putting my finger on this, i realized that its not only a check-up for my health but also for my mental status. Here's where the major disappointment begins: I'm doing exactly what i didn't want to happen, and that is to carry on as if nothing ever happened.

Example: today a lady told me that her daughter was going to have a second biopsy and that cancer may have spread to her lymph nodes. Her daughter is 31. All i could think to say was "Sucks, huh?" (i didn't say it, though....just thought it.) Where was all the wisdom that my experience was supposed to impart on me? What good did it do if i can't even offer consoling words to someone.....?! Perhaps i'd have more to say if i knew this lady a little better....and maybe i still have some more reflecting to do. Maybe i lapsed into not thinking/reflecting for some time now and this appointment tomorrow is a little wake up call. Damn.

Well, where is the comic relief in this downer post? Here are some pictures i took on my last visit to MDA and never got around to posting.

This is what happens when you have to wait for hours for an appointment. I had been up since 5:00 am, appointments starting at 8:30 am. This appointment was scheduled for 2:30...notice the clock:

This is what happens when the patient gets bored waiting in the doctors office:
I touched things i wasn't supposed to. SEE:

I knew it seemed ridiculous, but i was soooooo bored and had read everything available in the room. What seemed ridiculous eventually seemed very funny...and tempting.

Can I get the hell out of here yet?

Looky! Looky!

2008-02-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

My first little art student!
(Well, at least my first one in my artspace at home.) I'm starting Mrs. Ruby's Art Club, complete with secret handshakes and newsletters, fun projects and museum visits! Its going to be super fun, and if all goes as planned, it will be all the rage for shorties across East Texas.....or, at least in Nacogdoches.

Do you know any little'uns who want to be in my club? Let me know. Sorry, no Grown-Ups allowed.

Thanks, Funky.

2008-02-06T04:40:00.000-08:00

It's funny how my relationship to my blog is now.

Last year, with my Knee-Bunion Adventures, i felt compelled to write all the time. Each day was a new day with new experiences....there were times that i had so many things i wanted to write that i couldn't even cover it all. Things are different now and i've been trying to put my finger on it, but i haven't figured it out yet.

I feel like i jumped off a crazy carousel, rolled downhill for a time and just came to an abrubt halt. I've been scratching my head, looking around, trying to get things to come in focus and figure out where in the heck i've landed. Now what?

Yesterday i wanted to write. I was finally realizing that i've been avoiding writing, or even thinking, about certain things....er, thing.

It's that c-word. I got sooooo tired of talking about it, reading about it, writing about it....so i stopped.

In December, I finished my physical therapy, jumped off the carousel and got on a plane to Costa Rica. Christmas whirled by in a flurry of family, fun and travel. Then, I hit the ground running in January, making goals and getting organized...can't waste any time! Things are great; this year is off to a nice start. I've quit rolling down the hill and am left feeling a little bewildered.

I have this nagging "Now what?" feeling. It is a strange mixture of wanting to put last year behind combined with a desperate need to hang on to certain things. In a nutshell, this is what i've been avoiding; how confusing is that? I want to move on, but i need to stay rooted.

It's becoming clearer now that New Year has progressed some. I've really made some headway with the "moving on" part. I guess its time to delve into finally thinking about the things i want to remember about that experience, lest i forget. i thought i might get to that this morning, but the household is starting to wake up and its going to take more time and thought than i have now.

I saw a cartoon this morning that made me cry (!) Its a FunkyWinkerbean, which i haven't read in years. I read that it caused some controversy when it came out, but i never saw or heard about it until today.

Not only did it strike me as a poignant illustration of an unforgettable moment in the artist's life, but it's a vivid reminder of how freaking scary cancer is. I had almost forgotten....(or have just chosen not to think about it.) It really rattled me because i'm realizing that the time has come for me to think about It.

I have the feeling that i'd imagine someone who has been mugged might feel. Immediately following a dangerous encounter, when the adreneline is pumping and the victim is struck with the realization that they have survived something major. There is a moment of dumbfounded disbelief. What happens next? Tears, sighs of relief, surges of confidence/ fear? Then what?

i'll let you know when i figure it out.

Problem solved!

2008-01-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

ah HA!
some of you (thanks, Madame F!) might have noticed a cryptic post the other day; i was experimenting with mobile blogging.

all i can say is "Uh-oh, i figured it out."

tweet tweet tweet

2008-01-28T09:40:00.001-08:00

I just posted some drawings/paintings to my Starved Artist site. I'm going to go back and write some thoughts about them after i write here. I'm just glad to have stayed on track by making time to create some art...its time to get caught up here, too. Poor little Knee-Bunion site: i've been ignoring you:(

i actually did some writing about Costa Rica last week, but didn't post it because i wanted to accompany it with some pictures. I couldn't get my computer to cooperate, so i've saved it for later.

So, after drawing/painting 3 pictures of Birds from Costa Rica, i thought i could at least share the following tidbit with you....

I thought it was funny that, of all the wickedly colorful birds that live in Costa Rica, the national bird is the Clay-Colored Robin. I guess if you are CLAY-colored, you might really stick out in such a rainbow-y population. Actually, I was told that it is the first birdsong you hear really early in the morning and its really pretty. i had to take their word for it.

2008-01-26T12:42:00.001-08:00

Not sure how this works....am i doing this right?

Full Circle

2008-01-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

Imagine this:
A rapid river, with powerful currents roaring. There is someone in the water, grasping tightly to a branch to keep from being swept away with the current. That's me, hanging onto "Mid-Thirties".

I just turned 37, and all i feel like is, "well, at least its still closer to 35 than 40". That's really it. Big deal. I am just glad to be here. Who cares how old you are?

Since my birthday fell on a Saturday, I had an entire birthday weekend! It was awesome.

Friday night, another Capricorn friend and i declared our birthdays Time to Skate! It was the quasi-official kick-off for the Officially Unofficial Skate Club, and boy-howdy, did the old Roller Girls come out of the woodwork! We ascended on the Open Skate kids at the Skatarama and had a great time. Even with falling kids as obstacles everywhere, I could tell that so many gals were just happy to be on skates again.

I, for one, was elated! It was the first time i had skated since the Sarcoma Summer and it felt pretty good. The previous night, i had actually dreamed about skating really fast, round and round. I don't know if i'll be able to skate as fast as i used to, but my knee felt pretty solid...i could go fast enough.

Each time around the rink, i had the feeling that i'd come full circle....i'd skate another lap, full circle. No more Physical Therapy, another lap...full circle. I skated past friends who I used to see weekly at this rink...full circle. We're all laughing and skating again...another lap, full circle. Another lap, another year, full circle.

To top off the night, the sweaty lot of us went to sing Kareoke! There was singing, laughing, smiling, dancing! It was the best way to wrap up a memorable night...perfect.

Saturday, I went on Nacogdoches Art League's first excursion of the year to a show in Center. Ellen Cogswell, our last charter member had an impressive exhibit showing over 40 years of paintings. It was nice to spend the afternoon getting to know some of the new members.

That night B took me and the lil'un out for a nice dinner. I had the 2 most handsome dates in town. T's manners were very impressive; a nice b-day present for mama. We wrapped up the evening watching a Pirate movie and eating dessert. I am a very happy 37 year old.

Do i remember how to do this?

2008-01-16T05:26:00.000-08:00

i can't believe its been so long since i've written...HAPPY NEW(-ish) YEAR, everyone!

There is so much i want to write about Costa Rica, i'm going to have to post some pictures and really reflect in attempts to capture its greatness. I've been waiting for just the right time to do that.

Of course, since i've been home, I've been caught up in a frenzy of New Years Goals and Resolutions...thus avoiding the computer, my number 1 distraction of all Goals and Resolutions. I've been happy to catch up with folks by reading their blogs, and finally have started to feel bad that i've been neglecting mine so.

So, I'm back! I'll be better about keeping up now that i've taken care of the following nagging necessary projects:
* Put away the Christmas decorations
* Unpacked from trip/ did mounds of laundry
* put away Christmas prezzies
* cleaned out closets & toy boxes to make room for Christmas prezzies
* took things to Good Will
* Finally put away all surgery-related items cluttered about (walker, crutches, bandages, ointments...i had an entire table set up for this stuff!)
* Cleaned off my Art desk/ studio space: ready to work!
* Got organized for my role as President of the Nacogdoches Art League this year.
* Made plans for my first teaching job in years: I'm teaching drawing to 5th graders this Friday at the Museum of East Texas. :)
* Cleaned like a crazy ADD-riddled lunatic
* rearranged some furniture to reduce clutter
* organized hats & hat boxes
* organized purses (collection?!)
* cleaned out storage room in garage
* brought in suffering, neglected plants and tried to make up for abandoning them over the holidays...:(

Sooooo....there you have it. If i had been blogging over the past few weeks, you would have been bored to tears. That's it in a nutshell.

Except for my BIRTHDAY.......that's another post.

Pura Vida!

2007-12-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

Boy Howdy, am i glad to get online!! i've been in COSTA RICA for an entire week and have been dying to blog since the minute we got here! We've done soooo much already, i've either been too tired to write or i haven't had access to the computer....where do i even begin?

how about with Feliz Navidad?! I hope everyone has had smiles during their holiday time. It is amazing to me that 2008 is right around the corner. By the time i get back to Texas, it will be next year. So long, 2007.

There is no better place i'd rather be to wrap up this year. A few days ago, i was lying on the beach in Flamingo. The sun was warm, the sand was soft and I was listening to the loud, powerful-yet calming- waves, thinking about what an emotional rollercoaster this year has been. I've never contemplated life so often, nor have i appreciated it to this extent.

The beauty of Costa Rica is that this place is teeming with LIFE itself! Everywhere you look, the plants are thriving, climbing, reaching, exploding! They are so happy to be here and be green...or red, pink, yellow, orange, purple.... The colors are so vibrant; so plentiful! If the colors aren't living in the plants, they are flying by on the feathers of birds, lounging around with the lizards or swimming along with the fish....or creepy-crawling with the sparkley, shiny bugs and snakes. COLOR is alive everywhere.

On our road-trip from San Jose to Flamengo, on the Pacific side, I noticed a curious type of fencing. Mile after mile, i saw barbed wire fencing made with trees as posts. Trees, all neatly lined up along people's properties. It was intriguing because i wondered how, or why, you would use trees to make fences; did the trees happen to be there already? Or maybe people weren't in a hurry for their property to be marked...and could wait for the trees to grow for their fence?! NO--that didn't make sense! What was the deal? I found out they are called Living Fences and actually start out as usual fences do, with regular wooden posts put into the ground. Then, since this is Costa Rica, land of the Mighty Nature, the posts root and begin to sprout branches. Voila! Its a tree again. No man is going to tell Nature what to do here, No Sir!

I've seen familiar plants around here, things we have in Texas. Except its like these plants are on steroids. Of course, they have Christmas poinsettias--as TREES! There are orchids and bromeliads just growing wild in the trees. Plants that cost a ton in our nurseries, like the Sego palm and citrus trees, are everywhere. In fact, where we are staying, there are grapefruits aplenty on the property.

We interrupt this blog for an ADD side-track-note:

Ah--where we are staying...this will have to be an entirely different blog.

Maybe i should also save my Bird Nerd reporting for another blog too. I'm like a crazed cat with ADD, stalking the windows and interrupting any conversation or thought to catch a glimpse out the window. This behaviour is only reinforced by the colorful rewards flitting by to welcome me on a regular basis. (sigh!)

I was afraid this would happen once i finally got my hands on the computer; i'm overwhelmed with what to write, not sure where to begin....this will take awhile, to be sure. I'm going to need lotsa pictures to keep track. Luckily, i've taken a ton. My apologies in advance to my Nacogdoches friends, as this is probably all i'll talk about for months.

I'll wrap this one up with a Costa Rican phrase, Pura Vida. It is said in response to "How are you doing?" and means Pure Life, as far as i understand (which isn't much, let me tell you). Or is it Viva Life? I thought at first it meant something along the lines of "living life to the fullest" or a Carpe Diem sort of thing...that's when i first heard it a few years ago. "Pura Vida!" I'd say, glad to know something I could actually pronounce. Now that i'm finally here, with my newfound appreciation of LIFE, it has a deeper meaning for me.

When i was laying on the beach a few days ago, I was looking around at the jungle and mountains that Rule here. There is alot of new construction going on there, but vines and plants keep creeping back into the concreted areas. You can't stop Life/Nature here: Its Pura Vida and its not going away. It may be interrupted, cut down and altered (to be used as a fence post or cleared out to build a condo) but its going to creep back somehow and be strong and beautiful. We can learn so much from Nature.

Its about JOY

2007-12-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to all of you who have hassled me for not posting in awhile;)

Greetings beloved readers! Many apologies for not writing lately...you know how December loves to fly by. We've been doing all kinds of extra stuff for Christmas with lil T...every weekend has been busy with something: a parade, the old village at Millard's Crossing, making cookies, and of course, watching all the old favorite Christmas specials on the TeeVee.

One day recently, I remembered a friend telling me how deceitful she thought parents were to their kids when they "duped" them into believing in Santa Claus. She really believed that it was wrong. She maintained that it taught them to lie, or be misleading. Also something about dabbling in their reality. I guess she had some good points; i agreed with some of them( like the material greed for kids IS out-of-control...that's up to the parents to keep in check...there can be a happy medium) When she told me that her parents didn't do the "presents from Santa thing", i wasn't surprised.

Neither of us had kids at the time, so all i had to relate to her were my memories of Santa Christmases. I could vividly recall how exciting it was to imagine little reindeer on the rooftop- 8 of them, no less. i remember my parents telling me that they just saw an elf peeking in to spy for Santa, then singing "You better not pout, you better not cry......Santa Claus is coming to town". I remember learning to leave a cookie as a thank you for that jolly old Fella who was to somehow squeeze down our chimney...and feeling proud that he would see how pretty those cookies were because we made them special!

Flying reindeer? Fat guys squeezing down chimneys? Toys that have"Made in China" writing on them, put together by little jolly elves--in the North Pole?!?! Come on! It's crazy as hell, but kids buy it; and its soooo exciting to think that these magical things can happen all at once, this special time of year. I think one of things that makes it so dang exciting for kids is that the adults are finally "in on it", too. Kids live in a magical, imaginative world everyday. At Christmastime, we grown-ups get to play there, too.

This friend didn't get it. She told me that she felt the same way about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and other kiddy traditions. I tried to imagine her as a kid...it was hard to picture her having fun. In fact, she wasn't the sort that seemed to take joy in much as an adult, and i wondered if she knew how. Was there a connection to her stoic, cynical adult life and her childhood devoid of fantastical playing? I don't know, but let me tell you this conversation was a downer. Its a good thing that i was maxed out in all sorts of goofy Christmas accessories, such as red and white striped elven socks, or it might have spoiled my mood for the day.

I have no idea where this gal ended up. We were really just co-workers, so we didn't keep in touch. I still have a plant that she gave to me that Christmas. I can't believe it survived despite all my neglect, but somehow it did. It reminds me that, despite her negative slant on Christmas, she still liked to give gifts. Sometimes I think of her when i water it...i wonder what she's up to, if she had kids, if she's still Bah-Humbug.

Then i realize, if she has a kid it will be impossible to be Bah-Humbug. Whether its Christmas, or Halloween, kids are grown-ups' tickets into that special world of crazy elves and talking animals.

I realized, as i reread this post, that there are plenty of you without kids who are NOT Bah-Humbugs. YOu may have a Famous Seamus;), or another sort of four-legged family member to bring you joy...and i also realize that i am rambling on and on because i have many other tasks to get to and i am a great procrastinator and maker of run-on sentences....and i realize that i need to get to the point of this post.

Why write about this gal that i don't ever think about unless i'm watering a little ivy?

She's come to mind whenever I tell one of those ridiculous Santa stories to lil T, or when i LIE about seeing an elf peeking through the window at him. ( I now understand why parents perpetuate these traditions; its great LEVERAGE as well as being fun to see their excitement...let's be honest..) I also get a little sad when i try to imagine her as a kid.

So my point?
Its about JOY--find it! Seek it out with voracity! If its in your life, the most mundane things will bring satisfaction. It may be pretending that some fat guy in a red suit is going to deliver your kid toys from China, or it may be in making cupcakes, raising maltese babies, being a clown, being a good friend, skating, running (you crazies)....find that JOY...then pass it on.

ok, I better get to work. I have a bridge to build in TreadyTown.

Go Elf Yourself

2007-12-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

This is soooo HA-larious!
Try for yoursELF!
www.elfyourself.com

here's ours:
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1202931695

You are here >>>

2007-12-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

I went for a 3 month check-up last week...my MRI and chest X-ray turned out clear, and my surgeon said that everything was healing up nicely. It could be up to a year that my leg needs to heal/ not look so Frankenstein-like, but she was pleased with the range of motion i have. I'm able to bend 134 degrees (where is that durn symbol on the keyboard?)- which is about 20 degrees shy my full normal bend.

She even said i could skate soon...well, she actually said "Rollerblade", but i knew what she meant. No Roller Derby, but skating with a support brace would be possible soon.
>sigh<

I went for this trip by myself. I left Nac at 5 am, then returned home, leaving Houston at 5 pm. It was a long day, but it went by quickly. Entering MD Anderson for the first time in several months, I was struck with an odd feeling. I realized how comfortable i felt there.
I know exactly where to park, what elevator to get on and where to go for that free coffee or outlet to plug in my laptop. it wasn't that long ago when the place was new, overwhelming and a bit intimidating.

I realized how much this place has become a part of my life. We've found relief, comfort, treatment & healing here. There have been tears, strength, hope, pain and great lessons in this place. I've spent the majority of 2007 journeying to and from this place, and journeying within. Unlike other routine check-ups to the doctors office, i kind of look forward to visiting. I see this place as a great touchstone; a concrete reminder of how precious and fragile life is.

Happy Hollerdays

2007-11-20T06:02:00.000-08:00

Well, the Hollerdays have officially begun in our household. Starting with battling the sniffles to hoarseness from the Cowboys football game in Dallas and now, my Dad and his wife are in from Delaware for Thanksgiving. My son is beside himself.

..actually, he is beside them...right now, on the floor in a sleeping bag.

Yawn.

2007-11-19T09:52:00.000-08:00

Here's the most boring dream ever:

Last night, i kept trying to dream, then someone in my dream would yell "CUT!" and people would come into the "scene" and change the lighting. Then, gradually i recall trying to start the conversation again, only to be interrupted by some Dream Lighting Crew which was never satisfied. They kept interrupting!!

i don't remember the conversation i was having, or even who it was with; i just remember being very determined to try to get on with it. I woke up really frustrated. It went on for a very long time.

Me Gusta Gusta Yo Gabba Gabba!!

2007-11-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

ok...maybe it's because i got a comment on my "Stop the Presses" blog from The Minister of Sparks & Lightning from Yo Gabba Gabba...or it could be that Lil T and I listened to HOURS of the music from that show, but i think i've gone overboard now.

Its 9:00 pm, the kid is still up and we are making our 3rd Plex (the Robot) tshirt with the iron-ons from the website. I had to make one for myself.

Was i this crazy about Sesame Street when i was a kid?

Stop the Presses!

2007-11-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

i just dropped everything i was doing in the kitchen to come blog about

YO GABBA GABBA!

There have been many times i've wanted to write about it, then i think to myself "Do my readers really want to know about my new favorite kids show?" and i talk myself out of it.

TODAY i'm convinced that, if you don't know about Yo Gabba Gabba, then i need to share it's fabulous fun with you. Even if you don't have kids you are sure to enjoy it...especially if you were a kid in the 70's & 80's. Its a total throw-back to H.R Puffnstuff and Land of the Lost kids' shows, but with electronica Devo-type music. The songs are actually fun to dance to and they encourage their viewers to get up and join in...which we do alot!

Today's cincher, which pulled me from the kitchen to watch, was the visiting dance guest, Leslie. Her dance move was called "Glitter Hands, Razzle Dazzle." She wore a crazy gold lame (that's la-MAY) jumpsuit with tons of fringe all over. I've seen her website before and its crazy! Any show that has her as a guest is GOLD.

After that, the was a guy in the "Cool Tricks" segment who could make music using only his hands. He performed "Twinkle, Twinkle" which made lil' T laugh.

You gotta check it out and let me know what you think! We DVR it, so if you don't have Nickelodeon, i can show those of you who come to visit.

Yo Gabba Gabba! Yo Gabba Gabba! Yo Gabba Gabba! Yo Gabba Gabba!

Subtle Significances

2007-11-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

Today i returned my handy "picker-upper" to its home in the closet. It was invaluable to me weeks ago, when i couldn't kneel down to pick things up, or balance with crutches and try to reach for something. It was during that time i wanted to come up with a holster of sorts-- so that i'd have it on my person at all times.

The Picker-Upper-Holster never happened, so i'd just move it from place to place, as needed. Eventually, I'd forget where i had used it last because it had been so long since i'd needed it. Today, after searching for it, so i could reach for a little toddler-sized sock behind the dryer, i realized that things are actually starting to seem pretty NORMAL again.

Here's another thing that has changed. Since April, something i always had with me was my "Cancer Notebook". This sticker was given to me by one of my Roller Derby sisters...(it bolstered my bravery on many a day). It was always in my purse, by the computer, bedside or somewhere within reach. I kept notes from Doctor's calls, wrote down appointments or scribbled down questions that might pop into my head at any given moment.

I just put it away on the shelf because its been so long...weeks, at least...since i've referred to it.

Best for last: sometimes i find myself walking along without consciously thinking about walking along. No more "Heel, toe, lift" mantras running through my head, or making sure i have something to lean on "just in case".

My left leg works differently now, but at least it works. It's hard to describe what it feels like, but i'll give it a shot: You know when you "need" to pop your knuckles, neck or knee? It feels like there is a bubble or something in there, and an adjustment will make it go away.

The area outside my knee feels like there is a big bubble inside it, and i've gotten used to it being there without feeling like it needs to get popped and go away. Its not exactly that way, but that's as close as anything i can think to compare it with.

Then there are the ligaments and tendons that got rearranged. That has created some tightness and numbness in areas. Amazingly enough, i've gotten used to this, too. The left outside of my foot and calf are numb, as is an area on my thigh. I can feel the tendons stretching when i'm walking or working out, more so than in my other leg...The Good Leg.

Sometimes, when i am walking, i compare how each leg feels. The Good Leg is the Old Me: just going along like it's supposed to, not really noticing how awesome it is that everything works like it should.

My Bad Leg is the New Me: i notice every movement of every step. Bad Leg isn't as strong as it used to be, but we're working our hardest to make it the best that it can be. Every step is a valuable step...weak or strong.

i can't believe i just did this:

2007-11-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

I just confronted a guy in my front yard, as his dog was peeing on my freshly planted flowers.

"Please don't let your dog pee on my flowers" i said, before i realized what i was saying. He was very embarassed and apologized.

I told him that his dog could go anywhere in the yard, i didn't care, but i love my flowers and dogs' pee kills them. I was as nice as i could be about it, so i hope he doesn't think i'm being a "B".

I do get amazingly P.O-ed when i see my dead flowers with pee-splatters on them! Apparently, my front flower bed is attractive as a dog-potty-place, because it has happened often.

Also, i just planted these pansies last week....and they looked beautiful. They make me smile when i look out my window.

I don't think i would've had the nerve to do that in my pre-cancer days.

Happy Halloween, for reals this time!

2007-10-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

What a silly holiday. I love to see people of all ages wearing costumes.

First thing this morning, i walked into my Rehab facility and all of the Physical Therapists were gathering for a picture. They were all dressed in black and had these black frayed ropes sticking out the top of their heads. Some of their shirts said "Burnt Out".

i later found that they were supposed to be snuffed out candles. Also, that the hospital is understaffed and they have all had it.

BUT....I really only posted this morning to share this picture:It's his first Jack O' Lantern...look how proud he is! (sigh!)

Happy (early) Halloween

2007-10-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight we took lil T to the best Halloween movie ever--in the new & improved 3D version!!! Somehow, i managed to stifle the urge to sing along to all the songs...posting these lyrics to the opening number will just have to suffice...

'Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems
In a place that perhaps you've seen in your dreams.
For the story that you are about to be told
Began with the holiday worlds of old.
Now, you've probably wondered where holidays come from.
If you haven't, I'd say it's time you begun.
For holidays are the result of much fuss
And hard work for the worlds that create them for us.
Well, you see now, quite simply that's all that they do--
Making one unique holiday, especially for you.
But once, a calamity ever so great occurred
When two holidays met by mistake.

Experiment

2007-10-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

in the efforts to keep up with my Technologically Advanced Friends (ahem Madame, MRT and Seoul Crusher.....!) and to inspire myself to keep blogging, i've added a new chapter to my online journaling.

check it out: http://starvedartist.blogspot.com/

There will be more forthcoming. Right now i hear the kiddo rousing from his nap.

Maker-Faire Weekend review

2007-10-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

I need to write about Maker Faire 2007 before any more time elapses! After a review of pictures, my enthusiasm has been revisited and i feel this desperate need to keep it from slipping through my fingers...

We stayed with our friends, who have a daughter close to Tread's age. We weren't sure what all this festival would entail, and since it was muchos expensive, decided to let the kids play at a park for FREE and i'd go to this event by myself and meet up with them when my friend A got off work.

I actully found the place without getting lost and was giddy by the time i got there. I hadn't been so excited since the Roller Derby Boot Camp last December.

As i approached the fairgrounds, I had to take this pic because i wanted to remember this sight clearly...(i see now that it doesn't make that interesting of a photo, but hey--I'm no photographer; i just document for touristy memories!) That aside, surely you can see what a BEAUTIFUL day it was! I had as much of a spring in my step as a gimp can have...on an adventure by myself and so excited! Those strands of yellow balloons on the right had bells on them, so there was this subtly sweet ringing sound in the breeze.

it was all sprawled out, 3 buildings chock FULL of crafty/ techno goodness. Outside was food, music, Art Cars and all kinds of entertaining stuff for kids in the middle.

I don't know how this thing worked, but it was fascinating to young and old to see. My lil guy loved it. Look at that blue sky.

Here is a speaker made out of Cheez-It box.

I found this incredibly inspiring (look sandy! i took this pic for you!) This guy was making his art out of DIRT! These drawings were incredible.
(wish these pics weren't sideways, but if you tilt your head just so, you can appreciate it...) It's made with wonderful detail out of just tape and cardboard. ( see the mouse on the cardboard-tube branch?)
I loved this presentation on Automata from the Cabaret of Mechanical Theatre. The founder's daughter was there from London to give a history and show some examples of an art form i knew nothing about...and loved immediately. Some of the collectors were there with their pieces to share, including Richard Garriot. (I didn't know who that was until the show, but apparently he's got a great collection of Automata)

See the poster hanging from the ceiling to the right there? That is the cover of the current issue of CRAFT. Now, see the lady in red giving the demonstration there? That's the same gal, Natalie Zee Drieu from http://www.craftzine.com/. Here they are making Vintage Tie Faceplates, but i took the picture because i was so excited to see her, among others, in person!!! Weeeee!

As i'm writing, i'm going over my dog-eared itinerary i had in my pocket all day. I had so many things circled that i never made it to, such as Making Art out of Junk Mail, Knitting and Sewing Machine Lessons. I got to see plenty, however...my favorite being How to Make a Light-Up Purse with Allison Lewis, of http://www.iheartswitch.com/.

She teaches a class about integrating Design and Technology at the Parsons School of Design in New York! She taught us how to wire some LEDs using a sautering (soldering?) iron...and assured us that we shouldn't be intimidated by electronics. She talked about how empowered she felt once she learned the mechanics of wiring (?) and i was sold! I bought a kit on how to do this project, but i haven't tried it yet....i'll let you know how it goes. She was really neat...oh, and a Texas gal, too.

The music line-up (particularly Foot Patrol) convinced the guys to meet me there, despite the sky-high ticket prices. Here Lil' T is stomping one foot, just like Naven R. Johnson in the Jerk. It was as if he'd just discovered his rhythmn. It was particularly funky music, though.

Eventually the nap-deprived kids cut the Men Folk's trip short, but i stayed behind to digest as much as i could. There was just sooo much to see, i walked and walked all over the place, being so thankful that i wasn't on those dang crutches anymore!

Some other high-lights of the Faire was the Swap-O-Rama-Rama clothing remix, a Life-sized Mouse-Trap game, an Interactive Art Car Build with the guru Harrod Blank, Catapults, Fire Shows, Kite-making and some musical Tesla Coils. Also, cool tools and electronics....too much to take in for one day.

The mayor of Austin declared Oct. 20-21 "Maker's Weekend".

I can't believe that i took so few pictures of staying at the M's house!!

Staying with them was the Icing on the Cake! A is a longtime friend from way-back in the Clear Lake days...met her in 8th grade when i first moved there and we've been friends ever since. Its so much fun to see our kids together. Her husband T is great with the kids and has the most unique maniacal laugh i've ever heard. B and I both have failed at trying to mimic it. We've decided that its impossible to impersonate.

They had a cook-out on Sat.night, celebrating A's last day working at a crappy job and just to celebrate in general. Fingers came over and we actually got to perform a few songs. Ahhhh....memories. Another highlight was hearing their 2.5 year old's masterful memorization of KISS information. "That's Ace Fweewy". I also learned that B's crazy-hot hot sauce and red wine aren't a good combination.

The ride home was nice. I crashed heartily when i got home, with a smile on my face.

Blame it on the Cancer

2007-10-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

The picture below was taken at the FABulous Maker Faire i went to last weekend in Austin....i can't believe that this week is almost over and i haven't blogged about it yet, but its really hard to put into words!! (its upcoming...i took tons of touristy-type pictures so i'd be able to remember everything) In the meantime, it will be difficult to top this review.

anyhoo...i had this pic taken there, at the Austin Chronicle's booth, where people could make their own headline. I watched as a few folks came up with some clever and entertaining stuff, wondering what i'd have to say that would be worth the effort of waiting in line. My new favorite slogan came to mind, and the line was short, so here it is:

But here's the funny part:
I got a gander at the first picture and didn't think i looked "tough enough". I explained to the guy that i wanted to look triumphant and tough cuz i was fresh from a battle, so he let me take it over again.

i really liked the 2nd one UNTIL his co-worker, who had overheard my boasting, asked "Now, what's it supposed to say?" I looked at my sign as i told her, and noticed it said "Stupid CANER"!!!

Who's the stupid one?

Apologies to Amy cuz she heard this story tooooo many times over the weekend--(but hey, now you can see the pic ;)

whoa

2007-10-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

The movie I wrote about in my previous blog, Crazy Sexy Cancer, showed tonight on TLC. B came in and told me it was on and i stayed up til 12:00 watching it. Wow.

Some of the things she said:
"Cancer didn't ruin my life~ it taught me how to live."
"I'm not saying cancer is a gift- i wouldn't give it to you- but it's not something about my life that i would change."

If you, dear readers, know of anyone struggling with cancer in their life, you could recommend this movie to them. Whether its someone with a diagnosis, their family or caregivers...its very uplifting.

The film isn't just about Kris Carr's journey; she also interviews several other interesting women about their experiences.

I suppose that all these cancer-related shows could be because October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, even though her cancer wasn't that type. It sure is very timely for me...(Thank You TV! How did you know? Did you and Oprah get together and plan this for lil' ole me? ) I'm in my 4th week of Physical Therapy trying to grapple with everything i've (we've) been through....hearing these people's stories make me feel in good company being a part of this C-Club.

Great show about Death! C'mon & check it out!

2007-10-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Oprah had a really great show. The topic was death. It seemed depressing at first, but then it started talking to me. A large portion of the show was about cancer survivors and people living with cancer, life after cancer and people terminally diagnosed.

One of the guests, Kris Carr, made a film called Crazy Sexy Cancer. She was inspiring and captured my attention quickly, but the biggie on the show was the next guest. My mood hasn't been the same since.

I pulled the following off Oprah's website for lack of being about to describe it myself. Check out the link when you have a few minutes.

Randy Pausch is a married father of three, a very popular professor at Carnegie Mellon University—and he is dying. He is suffering from pancreatic cancer, which he says has returned after surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. Doctors say he has only a few months to live.

In September 2007, Randy gave a final lecture to his students at Carnegie Mellon that has since been downloaded more than a million times on the Internet. "There's an academic tradition called the 'Last Lecture.' Hypothetically, if you knew you were going to die and you had one last lecture, what would you say to your students?" Randy says. "Well, for me, there's an elephant in the room. And the elephant in the room, for me, it wasn't hypothetical."

Watch Randy's famous "Last Lecture." (this is the actual lecture to his students: 1HR)

This is the shorter version on Oprah (scroll down for the link) 5 minutes

(If you don't have time to watch now, please come back; its not hokey--i promise!)

Despite the lecture's wide popularity, Randy says he really only intended his words for his three small children. "I think it's great that so many people have benefited from this lecture, but the truth of the matter is that I didn't really even give it to the 400 people at Carnegie Mellon who came. I only wrote this lecture for three people, and when they're older, they'll watch it," he says. "

This was a tearjerker, lemme warn you...but very poignant and inspiring.

Catchin' up on some stuff:

2007-10-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Here's some stuff:

* On the Physical Therapy front: I've made it to a 90 degree bend!!! I can pretty much walk without a limp, although its not effortless. i'm stiff if i've been sitting for long, but i can sit without having to put my leg up on something to keep it straight.

* The upside to numbness: today i got bit on my foot by several bastardy* ants and i didn't even feel it. (* because they also bit my Lil'un and he definately felt it.)

* Monday I got to "help out" a friend who is making a documentary about Art Education. She needed someone to dress up in crazy costumes and act silly...for some reason she thought of me. We had the priviledge (thanks Cynda Ambulance) of using the Lamplite Community Theatre's costume collection and stage...it was a fun "favor" and perfect for a rainy day, such that it was.

* By cutting back on computer time, I managed to make some home-cooked meals this week!! Thanks to Pioneer Woman Cooks, I made a great Pasta Primavera and a Shrimp Pasta with a tomato-cream sauce (two separate nights, sillies!) Those who know me will be impressed, for i'm not too accomplished in the kitchen. Two triumphs under my belt, however, and i'm ready to tackle more. i loved cooking with this website--its idiot-proof!!

* After having B's mom here for the last 2 weeks, Lil' T and I have been trying to re-acquaint ourselves with reality. She was like having the Fairy Godmother living with you: "Your wish is my command!" She got us all caught up on laundry, stocked the fridge, and made several nice meals. All that and we still managed trips to the park, duckpond, pumpkin patch and even the carnival! I am glad to know she is going on vacation next week because she's earned it after all the work she did here! Thanks Gram-Gram!!

* Confession: I'm driving around without consent of my surgeon. Last Friday, my P.Therapist told me that i'd soon be at a 90 degree bend and that is considered "functional". I got excited at this notion and asked if that meant that i'd be driving soon. She said "oh, you could be driving now"...and that floored me because my surgeon said it'd be 8 weeks into P.T before i could drive.

I decided to keep this tid-bit of information to myself and started to feel like it was my birthday: I could drive!!! It was perfect timing because the next day, b's mom was leaving and i'd be back to bumming rides. I was sooooo excited until Therapist asked me "well, what did your surgeon tell you about driving?" Damnit all, i had to tell her. She told me that although it was her opinion that i was ready, i had to get my "doctor's consent" before she'd give me the official "go-ahead". She also told me that 8 weeks was a standard time frame because people are typically still on medication until then.

I am not on painkillers and i'm at a 90 degree bend.

I called my surgeon immediately. I left a message with the Physician's Assistant and haven't heard back from them yet. I have places to go...i started driving on monday.

* hmmm....what else? i've cleaned the house, worked in the yard, dealt with stinky plumbing problems, dealt with the cat overpopulation in the neighborhood (complete with dead cat in the road) decorated for Halloween, made cookies with Lil T.

* oh yes...one other random thing:
This was at the Nacogdoches County Fair last week...and i recognized these odd little dragons immediately. Do you remember?

Indecisiveness must be hereditary.....

2007-10-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday someone asked Lil' T what he was going to be for Halloween, to which he replied, "A Jack O' Lantern Cowboy Bug".

I told him that he was going to have to pick one of them, that it wasn't possible to be all 3 costumes.

Tonight, he showed me otherwise.

Then, in case that one doesn't pan out, he can always be a Dog. That is what he is in this picture below, in case you were wondering. I was wondering, so i had to ask him. He's a dog with spots.

Inspiration Galore

2007-10-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

well, well, well. here we are again...i've waited so long to blog that i don't even know where to begin. i can always tell i've waited too long when i start hearing from family and friends; i've got 7 voicemils to return! (sorry guys/gals!) There are several times everyday that i think about writing, then i don't do it....let's see if i can remember how.

One of the reasons I haven't been on the computer this week is that i have decided to make myself cut back on 'puter time. I've recently realized that i'd really developed a habit of over-doing it with my net-surfing time. That was all fine and dandy for a laid-up gimp--I felt like i had a legit excuse. BUT, once i was up and mobile, i found that i still had to carve out time to get on my trusty ole' laptop or else i felt like i was missing out on something! I might fall behind on my blog reading, God Forbid!

Last week, after Super Fun Crafty Time that i didn't blog about (but you can read about it here and here) MRT gave me a ride home. We discussed getting organized, laptops in the bedroom, computer overload, among other things. It was so hard to resist logging on when i got home, but i made myself sit down and finish one of my projects. I enjoyed it so thoroughly that i made 2 more ( since then, many more).

It really hit home how much time i spend on the computer; time i could put towards some of the things i always say i don't have enough time for (duh!). I know its really "complicated"....sometimes it takes a little time for things to sink in for me...geez.

SO: that touches on a topic that i've been meditating on for some time now, and i've decided to blog about it. (...'cept not tonight) I've been really inspired by this blog, and ponder on doing something similar. I don't know if i'll use my Smackcancer blog or start another one (input please...), but i'll keep you posted. Here's the thing: I've got to get off my duff and start making some art. What the hell's my problem? I'll try to figure it out and keep you posted. i'll elaborate more when i get my thoughts more organized...

Here's the latest on this front, then i'm off to blog on another topic (i gotta make up for lost time, people!) Tomorrow, B & T and I are heading to Austin to go the the Makers Faire, a major crafty event!!

The last time i was in Austin was for Roller Derby Boot Camp in December of 2006. It feels good to be excited about something else besides Roller Derby for a change....its taken me a long time to come to that.

When it comes to the Crafty-Extravaganza, I suspect that i might be the only one really excited about it, but B is being a great sport because he knows that its something i'm really interested in. Fortunately, we are staying with some great friends, who will be fun for B & T and make up for their lack of interest in the Craft-a-Rama. (I am actually thinking they'll be pleasantly surprised....we'll see). I plan to find inspiration galore.

Used to be....

2007-10-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today is exactly 8 weeks since i had my surgery, and after tomorrow i will have 8 more weeks of Physical Therapy. Since i'm feeling a little like i'm in Recovery-Purgatory and therapy seems to be moving at a snail's pace, I figured i'd take a look back to see how far i've come...i already feel better.

Here's what Used To Be:
These were my goals in the days immediately following surgery (see "Pain Control" and "Ambulate" on the board*). While the morphine really took care of the pain effectively (see pic below) , the ambulating proved to be more challenging. Now I am abulating all over the place and my goals are set much higher; such as "Get Rid of this Dang Brace". ( * notice also the lovely decorations on the formerly stark hospital board...these were graciously applied by my friend and summer hostess.)

Used to be, it was a huge endeavor to go to the bathroom. I recall really missing my catheter when they first took it out, which would've seemed absurd to me before surgery. Once they took that out, i had to get up with a walker and laborously move merely feet to the bathroom, dragging all this stuff along.

USED TO BE that i was on so much MORPHINE that taking these pictures seemed like a good idea--haha.
Used to be that i could only take a sponge bath, beginning with the aid of a Nurse's Aide. I didn't get to take a real shower until a week after my surgery (note armpit). Man, that first shower felt like HEAVEN!

It used to be that my bedside table looked like the geriatric section of the pharmacy, modeled here by my lovely sister/nurse/counselor/coach.

Used to be that it was extremely uncomfortable to remove my bandages. In fact,during the first several weeks, i could not do it myself. I had to have the assistance of some mighty special peops in my family!

Note: my lucky mom was the first nurse on the scene: she isn't pictured here because she was the photographer! It used to be that we had to do this bandage change twice a day. I seriously couldn't look at my knee for several weeks post-surgery. It Used to be that i could only catch a glimpse of the surgery site by looking at pictures. Now i am cleaning it myself...and closely inspecting, touching and examining everyday.

It used to be that i wondered if i'd be around to see my little guy grow up.

Well....I AM HERE! That tumor is not.

2007-10-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

I had Physical Therapy today. i'm going to be bored out of my mind with it by the time this is all said and done...i wonder if last week counted as one? i got up to a 70-something degree bend.

At least there was someone interesting to eavesdrop on/eventually talk to there. She must be the Go-To Gal for Clogging Information in Nacogdoches because she got no less than 3 phone calls during her workout, and they all revolved around Clogging. Fun stuff....especially when you have be counting to 5 thirty times for an hour!

Speaking of fun stuff: B and I took the lil'un to the Nacogdoches Fair tonight. I don't even know where to begin...or if i'm even capable of describing. While i was there, i was thinking "How in the world could i put this to words?" Let's just say, if you are into people watching, DON'T MISS IT. If you are intimidated by scary carnies, however, avoid it like the plague.

At least there isn't a lot of blood.

2007-10-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

You aren't going to believe these pictures. Dr. Crosby gave them to me when i went to Houston last week...there is no way i could've looked at them before now.

NOTE TO THE SQUEAMISH: these are very graphic.

It took me some time before i could look at them...now, I find them pretty interesting.

At least there isn't a lot of blood.Can you believe the precision of that circle?

That white horizontal thing is a tendon (not the ruler, silly) which was transplanted from my thigh area. There was a Lateral Collateral Ligament which had to be removed, so this tendon was used to replace that (?) The thigh area is now numb, but that's an acceptable exchange for stability in my knee.

Meet (meat?) my calf muscle. The bottom picture the side of my leg (knee is on upper left) where the "divot" from the tumor was. I have been assured that the muscle is going to atrophy and flatten out, but right now its pretty bulbous still. Once i saw this picture, i understood why.

And here we have the final product. That netting is the incredible material used to hold in the new skin and all of the innards freshly transplanted. The skin has grown around that material so that its nearly absorbed now.

Remember the Knee Juice Flask that i had to empty for the first few weeks? That is what that tube is there for. Man, that leg looks swollen.

My skin looks so dark from the radiation. Looking at these, i feel like i've come a LOOONG Way, Baby!

Who do i smell like?

2007-10-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

I don't smell like myself. I smell like the little Pink Lady at the hospital who gave me a sweet Big Hug this morning...and it reminds me of someone, or some other time. I'm pretty sure its Estee Lauder's Beautiful (help me out, mom...did mimi wear that?). Anyhoo, I got that hug on my way to Physical Therapy today and have been getting whiffs of it all morning.

Oh, Physical Therapy...what to write? On the positive note, i got up to a 74 degree bend! Granted, i was pressing my foot on something and really pushing myself...but i started out at 60 today. Its still uncomfortable to the point of being slightly painful to bend it that much, but the excercises are working.

Its a good thing because, as i started to write earlier, its pretty boring. I'm spending an hour counting 1 one-thousand, 2 one-thousand, 3 one-thousand, 4 one-thousand, 5 one-thousand...for 30 sets. At home I've been using my son's abacus, so it takes less concentration. At the clinic, i am forced to count on my fingers...i can't keep up otherwise. I wonder if i should take some headphones up there to help speed things along. Its hard to believe i've got 9 more weeks of this!!!

At least its working.

So long, Scabs!

2007-10-04T22:17:00.001-07:00

this has been the busiest week i've had since surgery 7 weeks ago: THANK GOD! I've begun Physical Therapy, been to Houston for my last 6 week check-up and I've got PT again tomorrow. In between all that, i've also squeezed in a hair appointment, a few errands and an educational tour of Millard's crossing with the lil' one and my Mo-in-La. It was a beautiful day to be outside and be alive!

Sooo....the best thing to note about my trip to Houston, aside from the fun company of Cynda Ambulance, was how the Docs made my Knee look less Frankenstein-like. I didn't realize it, but the scabs were way ready to come off. They said i could go home and SCRUB them, or tweeze them off(!)...well, I guess the look on my face indicated that i wasn't that comfortable with that idea because they ended up having a Physician's Assistant come in and take care of that for me.

As she was peeling off these huge, crusty, unattractive scabs, the stitches were coming out with them. I tolerated about 2/3 of it being cleaned up and told her i could handle the rest at home. It was an odd sensation because i didn't feel a thing where the new skin is, but the surrounding area was pretty sensitive after some tugging and cutting. I surprised myself today because i really was able to snip and pull the rest of the stitches, without any problem. There were only about 3 or 4 left, with a few scabs...but now it is all clean and skin-colored. It wasn't long ago that i couldn't even LOOK at this thing, let alone really closely examine it like i did today.

As far as the Physical Therapy goes, I was pleasantly surprised to begin with some exercises on the day i had my initial consultation. I was assigned some "homework" exercises, which have already helped. When she first measured the degree to which i could bend, it was a mere 30. After several stretches, I got up to 35. By the time I left, i was at 40 degrees--watch out! I think it will be more than that tomorrow since i've been working on it at home everyday.

We'll see tomorrow...i'll report back!
Over and out, dear readers.

This ain't pretty to look at...but feels beautiful.

2007-10-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

i'm about to include some recent photos...

(I was just about to write that my leg looks bad, and give a "Heads Up" to the readers, but it's not that terrible!! It has improved alot, mmmmm-kay?! )

Still, sometimes i have to consult the "Before" pictures to convince myself that it's not so bad.....

People still flinch when they see it now, but if they had only seenEGAD! This was a week after surgery...(note the drain still inserted.)

So, in the spirit of Moving Forward and Focusing on the Positive, here are some pictures of how far i can bend the Knee, as of Sept. 30.

This is straight-legged;

Here it is, in all its Knee-Bunioned-less glory. The swelling has gone down and the scabs are taking over, running the dissolvable stitches off. My leg has been straight since August 16th.

Now don't blink, so's you don't miss it: but here's the Big Bend:

I know it doesn't look like much, but this is before rehab. I've done this, bit by bit, on my own. It still feels weird.

Tomorrow I have an Orientation meeting with the Physical Therapist. We'll see what's in store for the next 10 weeks (3 times a week)....i'll let you know!

Don't hate.

2007-10-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

While waiting on some pix to upload, i figure i'll write about some things mentioned in one of my recent complaining blogs.

My knee is really officially weird now. I mean, Twilight Zone weird, ok? How many of you can claim that, eh? It's not something that i've aspired to...sometimes things just happen. Don't hate.

Since the Divot in my leg was "filled" by stretching around my calf muscle, I have this bump on my knee. ( a new one, lumpier than the original, and covered with new transplanted skin.) The freaky thing is that when i flex my calf muscle, the New Knee Bump moves.

Its like ventriloquism for muscle-moving...my brain isn't saying "Hey, New Knee-Bump, move around like a gross looking blob with scabs and stitches..." NO. My brain and body are moving my calf. Yet, New Knee-Bump joins in. This may take some getting used to...

What is the Deal?

2007-10-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

How entwined are creative blocks and procrastination? Throw in a little(?) ADD and you've got one lost gal with an artist inside, screaming to get out.

Now What?

2007-10-01T13:38:00.001-07:00

Man, I hate it when I venture thru all my friends' blogs and there aren't new updates...i get so disappointed. Then i realize, "oh yeah, i do that too."

I guess lately I've just felt overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings one day, then conversely felt like i didn't have anything interesting to write about...then i get so bored with myself thinking so schitzoid that i just hunker down and read an hour of my new fave blog. After much reading pleasure, i'm still left feeling "Now what?"

Here's a synopsis of things i would have written about last week, just to get you caught up:

Scabs, scars, pus.
Stitches falling out.(..that's a good thing. They're supposed to.)
Itching. Scratching.
More scabs.
Fertility. Mortality. Spirituality.
Weird muscle spasms. Freakish surgery related movements.
Holes in my skin.
Numbness.
More scabbing. This is good.
Limping.
Artistic voids. Artistic blocks. Artistic fears.
Crossroads.
Loss. Envy. Heartache.
Scabs falling off.
New scabs forming.
Change.
Blah blah blah blah....who wants to read about this crap?
That's it in a nutshell.

I don't want to end with the impression that things are seeming glum: au contraire, mon freres!
Things are really looking up; this is sure to be an exciting week because i finally get to start rehab. When i mentioned being a little nervous about that yesterday, a friend put me in my place with: "Oh come on! You've been through childbirth...you can do anything!" Damn right!

I'm really not nervous about the actual physical therapy part...(ok, maybe just a wee little bit)
I've been plagued with other thoughts, which i find hard to verbalize. I've typed them, then erased them. They either sound trite or too personal...or maybe when i erase them i don't have to look at the words, then i don't have to think about them.

Often, i find myself thinking:

Now what?
Where to from here?
What do i do with this experience?
How do i keep my life continuing on the path of my "Fresh Start?"
How do i make the most of what i've learned? What exactly have i learned?

I don't want to screw it up...yet i realize there are probably no answers to some of these questions.
Yet, i can't avoid them. They come to me in the middle of the night. They come to me in the middle of conversations, meals or reading.
OH, but now, I've typed them out. They are out there hanging in black and white, waiting for me to do something about them.

Or maybe i'll just hit "Publish" and go play with my little boy;)

Snapped out of it!

2007-09-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

WOW!
If only i had called any one of you commenters yesterday, i would've felt so much better! (see comments to previous blog). Thanks so much for lifting my spirits, friends. It's true that we inevitably have "those days", "those moods"...and i feel better after brooding and blogging. Also today was a new day.

I have a new Time Frame to work with now, so i feel like I am making progress again. I got a "prescription" to start Rehab ( ...now channeling Amy Winehouse, thanks MRT) for 3 times a week for 10 weeks. I also got the "go ahead" to start bending my knee. Right now that is akin to someone saying "Go ahead, do a backflip" or "You can go ahead and speak spanish now". Those are both great ideas and, while they are very appealing, i can't seem to muster the ability to do either.

My knee feels really tight, but i can bend it ever so slightly. Tomorrow i am going to look for a rehab place that can fit me in PRONTO.

i've been feeling weird today.

2007-09-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the gloomy, overcast morning....or a conversation with an old, faraway friend who is still grieving the loss of his mother (who i also loved...)
It might have been discussing, brainstorming and mulling over career ideas (yet again). Maybe i got stressed over how i handled a parenting situation or spazzed out when i found out that there were 3 escaped convicts in our little town. Despite waking up in a chipper mood, and having HORDES of things to be thankful for, i struggled with lapsing into a pitiful mood all day.

Tonight, as i was getting ready to go to bed, i thought i should hobble back to the computer for a few minutes to get a few thoughts out. I thought i might be getting close to putting my finger on what this mood is...i'm feeling anxious, but that's not quite it. It must be a combination of several things- or maybe i ate something funny.

I don't know what to expect for my upcoming Physical Therapy ~but then, i didn't know what was going to happen for surgery either. Maybe i've gotten used to gimping around? Maybe i've had so many series of these types of time frames that i'm tired of it. Its "Five Weeks" of radiation, "Two Weeks" of waiting, "Six Weeks" of Post Surgery...i'm ready for "Five Weeks" til Normal. Then there is the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what exactly that "Normal" is going to be.

Before Diagnosis, i was practicing skating RollerDerby 3 times a week with a League that is split up now. Aside from practices, I also was communicating with those friends regularly in meetings, emails and phone calls. During my absence, things have changed so drastically, that my involvement almost seems like a dream; a lifetime ago.

I'm not going to be able to play Roller Derby again and that hasn't really sunk in yet. This is a nagging thought that i triggered yesterday by reading FOUR Blood and Thunder magazines!* Its hard to think about because Roller Derby has meant so much to me on so many different levels...(other blog material here)...it feels like a big chunk of my identity has been cut out of my life, just like that Knee-Bunion was cut out. i know that i can be involved in other ways than skating, but i'm not sure i want to. At least, it will be awhile before i could do that without longing. i still get a tinge of sadness when i see my skate case all dusty in the corner with cobwebs on it.

Also, in the Old Life, I had 2 part-time jobs, neither of which i'll be returning to. I'm not lamenting that, but i do find myself at 36 wondering what i'm going to do with my life.

These things; changes and unexpected outcomes, seemed exciting to me until recently. Maybe i'm missing the familiarity of my Old Life....or maybe i'm just being moody.

I think i'm getting tired of "rolling with the punches" and "being a good sport"...but what's the alternative? I don't want to be a complainer and now, as i read over this, i feel whiney. I've been in a great mood for days...i've seen tons of friends and family recently. I guess i ought to get some sleep and lay off the caffine tomorrow.

* BTW, there is an awesome article in Summer 2007's Blood and Thunder magazine, by PWRD's Madame Furie, former Iron Maiden. It covers our trip to Austin's Roller Derby Bootcamp last December. Ah, good times!

more later....

2007-09-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

i'm going to houston tomorrow for my 6 week check-up...i can't believe that its been that long. I'll find out about Rehab, which is to start soon.

False Alarm! Whew!

2007-09-21T06:52:00.001-07:00

When i woke up this morning, I couldn't flex my foot...it really freaked me out, as I was barely awake. I think i had just slept in a weird position and it was asleep because as i started to move my foot around and get that blood circulating, it got more feeling and flexed just fine.

Thank GOD i'm able to flex my foot!! That was the first time that i had any idea what it'd be like if i couldn't....it was bizarre. There are areas around the scar tissue that have some numbness, and i also have some other numb spots where the tendons where replaced, but when my brain tells something to move, i'm able to do it. When my brain told my foot to flex this morn, the foot said " Nope ." Bad Foot.

No, GOOD FOOT...You work! Hurray! It was just a short little nightmare-scare and all is well. Only now, I appreciate that little movement all the more.

I've got updates!

2007-09-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I talked to 2 departments from MD Anderson the other day: the Sarcoma Center and the Plastic Surgery Dept. I've got updates!

I'm going to Houston the next 2 Wednesdays. Next week is to see the primary surgeon for my 6 week follow-up. I was told that she is planning on bending my knee to a certain degree so that i can begin physical therapy. My cast has a hinge that can be set to certain angles, so it will keep me from bending it beyond what the doc feels i'm ready for.

I'm to have 10-12 weeks of P.T and can start driving around week 8...that's still 10 weeks away, geez! i'll be going 2-3 times a week, too, so hopefully, if i work really hard at it, it will go by quickly and i'll be more on the 10 weeks program.

The Plastics people talked to me about my skin graft donor site. Its not healing as quickly as it should because my cast keeps rubbing it. Everytime i change my bandages, it peels away the newly formed skin. No matter how much ointment, or soft padding i put on it, the cast puts too much pressure on it.

So, i took the extra cast they sent me home with, and cut a section away from the healing area. This cast doesn't have a hinge on it, so it won't work once we start practicing bending my knee, but for now it works just fine. I'm walking around with the donor site exposed so it can get some fresh air to speed up the healing. Hopefully it will heal up by the time i start P.T. I have an appointment with them Oct. 3, so i think it will be much better by then.

Oddly enough, the knee area is a piece of cake, as far as the healing goes. It doesn't hurt, in fact is mostly numb, so there is no feeling at all. The swelling goes down more every day, and i'm able to walk as long as i don't bend my knee. Things are going swimmingly.

Great Day

2007-09-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

Man, I'm "cooking with gas" !!!! (as my Poppi used to say). I have to add to my list of accomplished tasks:

* cleaned out fridge
* filed huge stack of papers on desk
* watered plants outside
* had coffee with friend at Java Jacks, then lunch with Brad & Tready
* cleaned off Art Desk
* put away laundry and did one last load~ caught up!

Its such a great feeling to finally be able to get stuff done!!!

i just sat down for the first time today

2007-09-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

My sister left yesterday, so today was my first day to run the household solo in over a month. Also, Monday is the only day that Lil T is at school all day, so i felt insanely compelled to get as much done as possible. As i sit here exhausted, satisfactorily reflecting on the day, i realize that my fervor was akin to a madwoman. What do you think?

Check this out:
5 loads of laundry, vacuumed T's ceiling fan, cleaned out the fishbowl, emptied all the trash, cleaned out 3 of the A/C units filters and their vents, cleaned the bathroom floor, made 3 beds, did 30 push-ups (for the first time since the morning of surgery...i still got it!) watered the front flower beds, vacuumed, hung a bulletin board, repotted a plant, put away clean laundry, polished some furniture and washed my make-up brushes.

Totally crazy, huh? I can't believe it. This is the result of sitting around for weeks, relying on other people to do stuff for me....i feel like i gotta make up for lost time.

...and for tonight's agenda: a bunch of NOTHING!

Fuzzy Hospital Memories

2007-09-16T19:20:00.001-07:00

cool. now that i've figured out how to link, here's something i wanted to post a while back:

Stop and Smell the Roses...(and coffee)

Pre-Surgery Days....

2007-09-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a video i've tried numerous times to post here. I've finally given up and am just going to try a link.

Its called Knee-Bunion Goes to the Park.

Give me some skin.

2007-09-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

My knee has stretch marks. This means the swelling has gone down considerably, and however temporary, the marks look pretty strange. It's just a funny place to see stretch marks. I can only see them if i look really close, which i am just now able to do. I'm actually able to clean and dress the area without any help now.

Since my last doctor's visit, i've been able to take off this hot cast and let things air out a bit. This was very awkward at first, but now i really look forward to it. Things are healing up nicely, even though my knee still looks like a Rottweiler gnawed on it for a few minutes. Either i'm getting used to it, or its improved so drastically that it doesn't trigger my gag reflex, but i've been able to closely inspect. It's so weird.

I've observed skin grow before my eyes! At first, the skin transplanted to my knee looked like a net but now the skin has grown so that the spaces are almost filled in. The surgeons used some sort of disolvable net-like material to actually move the skin that was shaved from my thigh; the skin was too thin to handle or move without using another material with it. The net allowed it to be moved, then sewn into place. It really looked similar to some crazy fishnet Roller Derby rink-burn at first, but now its growing into a more solid skin look. Each day it looks different.

Luckily for you, dear readers, i don't have any current pix to share. I'll save that for later.

A picture tells 1000 words

2007-09-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

...and i haven't written in SOOOO long, i'm going to pepper this post with many pix to help get caught up.

Wherever to begin? there's so much, i'm bound to go nuts and do a few posts, unless my antihistimines kick in and thwart my plans with drowsiness, as they've been the culprit of many times this week! Do they also make me wordy? I'm thinking so.....anyhoo; where was i? why am i typing everything i'm thinking? shut up--its been awhile since i've done this, lemme collect my thoughts...believe it or not, i'm actually off my painkillers, people. ok....let's start with this:

Yes...i've become one of those people at Wal-Mart. To draw more obnoxious attention to ourselves, we added 2 kids to the Gimp Parade. Also, it goes "Beep, beep, beep" whenever you back up and doesn't exactly fit between all the aisles. I'd be lying if i said it wasn't fun....it was HA-sterical

Self-Portrait being pushed by Lace in a Wheelchair.

Last Wednesday, Lace drove me to Houston for my 3 week check-up. I got my stitches out, wanna see?

Despite having to wait 3HOURS for my 2:00 appointment, we had a good day. How could you not when you start out with lunch at CHUY's? DEEELISH! The best part of the day was getting the "go-ahead" to put weight on my leg. It was very awkward and disorienting at first, but i'm making up for lost time now. Some days i don't even use my crutches at all. I've been able to do all sorts of stuff around the house (i.e carry a coffee cup!) work in the flower beds and, best of all, pick up my favorite little guy, Tready.

Here are some Before and After shots:

below:
Knee Bunion
goes to
Hot Springs

above;
Knee-Bunion-less
leg enjoys the backyard.

"Sap" Alert

2007-09-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

there was something that happened on my last trip to houston that i've been wanting to write about. It harkens back to a much earlier blog about a nice man i met when i was having a bad day. ( He reminded me of my dad, but then most super-nice guys in their late "50's" ( ahem!) make me think of Dad.) i only mention that because he was immediately easy to talk to and we ended up having only 2 real conversations, both of which we ended up in tears. Maybe we're both just real saps.

So last Wednesday, after discovering that MDAnderson doesn't provide a "Wheelchair Taxi Service" like i had thought, i ended up hopping all over creation on crutches. I was so relieved to catch a ride on a little golfcart-like-tram thing that i almost didn't notice Patrick. I looked over to all the folks walking in this busy area, and caught his eyes just as the tram was pulling away. I said "hey, its patrick" and he motioned at the driver, asking him to stop for a second. He dug into his labcoat and pulled out several folded papers , handed them to me and said he'd been carrying it around since we met back in July, in hopes that he'd see me again. It was labeled "Mission San Juan Capistrano."

I'll have to look back and see what i wrote about the day i met Patrick, but i'm pretty sure i never got around to following up on seeing him the next day in the Free Coffee Area. He came up, shook my hand and slipped something into it. I looked and saw that it was a beaded bracelet with a cross carved of marble. He asked me if i had a minute so that he could tell me the story of where it came from.

He told me that recently he had visited some vineyards at a place called The Old Mission of San Juan Capistrano. He had been there several times before and never noticed a little chapel until this last trip. He said that his experience upon entering was unforgettable--he was alone and it was a very small, quiet, intimate space completely lit by candlelight. At the altar there was a statue of a Saint, and he walked up to get a closer look. He recalled how he first noticed that the statue's knee was worn to a different color; polished to a shine by all of the many hands that had touched it there. The statue turned out to be of Saint Peregrine, the Patron Saint for Cancer Sufferers. (i'm not sure if he is catholic or not, but this was poignant to him since he works with cancer patients)

He began to get emotional as he told me the rest of the story. I, being the sap that i am , also started to get teary because this stranger had taken the time to come find me and share this with me. The previous day, when i had told him about my Knee-Bunion, he said he was reminded of that experience and had something he wanted me to have. In 1325, Saint Peregrine had a cancerous lesion near his knee and almost had to have his leg amputated. The cross on the bracelet is from that chapel and is made of the same marble that was used in the statue.

Last Wednesday, as i was being driven away, he asked "How's your son?" i said the first thing that came to mind: "He's cute as ever". Patrick hollered, "i know that, but How Is Your Son?" I hope i wasn't too far away for him to hear "GREAT!"

I'm still wearing the bracelet.

Comments anyone?

2007-08-29T22:24:00.001-07:00

well i got that durn drain out of my leg today. i am one worn out cookie, though. We went to Houston at 10 am and got back after 9. Dad drove, so we brought Tready with. They went to the Museum of Natural Science during my appointment, so they had a good time.

The drain removal was so weird...it had been inserted an inch or so into my knee. When i asked if it hurt, she said that most people just say that it feels "weird". Yeah. It felt like what i'd imagine a worm crawling under your skin would feel like. She pulled out the stitches that held it in place and that stung a little, then i felt the sensation of a tube moving under my skin and exiting through a hole in my leg. The hole still feels strange, even though she taped it together.
i'm just glad i don't have to cart around a see-thru flask of knee juice on my cast anymore.

i'm tired and want to comment on comments i've gotten. i don't know if the responses are seen by folks who check this blog, so i'm doing the lazy version and commenting here...so these things may not make sense to many;

To all who comment on the pix: glad you aren't repulsed enough to not read further. i know it must be bad when The German Nurse doesn't want to see it in person! HA! Rest assured, dear readers, its healing nicely so pictures are sure to improve. The Doc said it looked like a big strawberry today. ok....?

Chaybee, i want to see that baybee! I could arrange to get a ride over to see you if its easier...but if you are looking for an excuse to get out of the house, c'mon over. My sis have her 8 month old here on friday. i'll actually be here by myself tomorrow afternoon cuz my dad is going to houston to get her....gimme a call.

martha! i'd love to have ya'll visit....anya is here until sept.15. maybe sometime after that? we could have a flight of the conchords marathon! i've got a travel crib darl could use...tready would love it!

what else? brain malfunction...shutting down. i'm just glad to hear from all of you. Do you see comments when i comment to your comments on the comments area? Comments, anyone?

Grody to the Max

2007-08-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

since i am flying high on my Free Find earlier today, i am going to post one more blog before i go to sleep. I love it when i discover mulitiple updates on friends blogs, so here's one backatcha!

Tomorrow i am going back for a check-up with the Plastic Surgery team. I am SOOOO hoping that they remove this bag from the drain collecting the Knee Juice. Its really grody...to the max.

I've got some more pix to help describe my daily routine of care of this thing, just so you can see what i'm up to these days. WARNING: there are two more graphic pix, but i'll put them at the very end, for those of you who don't want to see such GORE.

I don't blame you...i can hardly look at it either. Oddly enough, i can somewhat tolerate looking at a picture more than i can look at it for realz. I can't bring myself to do that yet; its still too raw looking.

Here is how i feel while they have my leg unwrapped, exposed and are doctoring it up....

So, once a day i get to remove this hot ankle-to-thigh velcro cast. My Helper of the Week removes the bandages and gauze so that the wound can be cleaned. My mom passed on the torch of responsibility to Brad and my Dad this week. My lucky sister gets to take over Thursday.Someone has to lift up my leg because i can't put any strain on the knee, nor bend it. It's really hard to let someone lift your leg without contributing. Here, Brad is cleaning off the scars on the back of my calf.

BEWARE: Below comes the GORE: My skin graft, or FLAP as the docs call it!(!) came from my thigh. There is also a parallel incision above where you can see they took out a tendon. Still not sure where that went...but i'll find out.

The second pic is my knee, where they replaced the Cancer Divot with my calf muscle and newly scraped skin FLAP. ewww...i just noticed you can see the drain that's emptying out the Knee-Juice! That makes me squirm.

I'm told the swelling will go down.

the computer is my friend

2007-08-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

and my friend the computer is the ultimate host. Here i am able to "socialize" while laying in bed, long after the rest of the house is asleep. I have caught up on all the goings-on of friends near and far...all without saying a word. Its marvelous and i don't know how i kept up with folks before my little 'puter friend entered my life. We're so happy together.

i'm in such a great mood i just can't go to sleep yet. I haven't been home quite a week yet, and i've only been out of the house twice; tonight was one of those times and it was awesome! Its not because our destination was that spectacular or noteworthy, really. I'm more excited about the trash that was there. That's right, folks, you read it right.

We were on our way into the church where Lil T goes to school, when i spotted a bunch of junk by the dumpster. I quickly scanned the area and remembered that a few days ago the church had just wrapped up a 3 day garage sale. My eyes landed on an old school desk like i had in my elementary school--and it was painted a gaudy orange-red color. It is SO seventies! Surely this wasn't to be cast aside with the rest of the trash. I was certain that it must have put out there for someone to pick up. Could it be that someone would actually throw away such a cool piece of furniture??

Well, i hobbled as fast as you can hobble on crutches into the building. Before i even met T's teacher, i found the lady in charge and asked what the deal was; she said it was all out there for trash pick up. I sent my dad out there, despite the crazy look of sanity-doubting i was getting from him, and had him put out a sign with my name on it. This was just a temporary thing to do while we met the teacher....i knew that it'd be pilfered thru come nightfall, so i had to act fast.

Afterwards, i talked dad into letting me quickly sift thru the remains...my crutches became extensions of my appendages....i could poke, prod, tap all that stuff...it was great. It was probably good that i did't have use of both hands, lest i ended up with a bunch of crap i didn't need. I was pretty much limited to what Dad could carry! it was funny....i realized i was acting like a lunatic who was experiencing newfound freedom...but i rolled with it. It was a lot of fun for FREE.

Dad actually stuffed the school desk into the rental car's trunk!!

and now....for something cute:

2007-08-28T22:34:00.001-07:00

...to make up for the Grossness of the last few days...i've noticed my traffic here has slowed down since i've shared my Canadian Bacon Cut-Out. Even though i've got several more gorey shots, i thought i'd share a pic of my budding offspring artist:my cute little pipsqueak wrote all those "T"s on the board there. He's 3!
His Cookie (i.e my mom) got him this easel. See how much he loves it?!!!

update on gross pictures

2007-08-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

ok...after reviewing previous blog, i realize that its hard to tell what exactly these pics are.

The first one is the area removed, skin-side up. You can see the scar from my biopsy that i've been sporting since April.

This pic is the same flesh divot turned over. The tumor is the large peach round object on the top. Ick.

Gross ALERT, part 2

2007-08-25T13:41:00.001-07:00

The new picture is one i've only glimpsed at a few times. I can hardly look at my leg still, but i look a little more each day. Medical Science is incredible...i don't know how those doctors do it!

Since i'm home and off the morphine, i thought i'd describe my procedure to the best of my ability, using technical terms such as gross, numby and icky. I will begin by describing a picture that some of you may not want to see, so i'll put it at the bottom. It kind of just looks like Canadian Bacon, really, so don't be too grossed out. (unless you are one of my Vegan readers, in which case that might REALLY gross you out...its ok. i like Canadian Bacon and i am totally grossed out if i look at it for more than a few seconds...) anyhoo....

This surgery went fabulously, THANK YOU GOD! What might have been a 8-12 hour surgery was over in 4! The entire tumor was removed, and had actually shrunk since radiation...which was not to be expected. The entire perimeter tested negative for any tumor remains in my leg and we'll find out about any cancer cells remaining when we get the pathology report in a few weeks. All docs said that it looked good and they thought they "got it all".

The first team of Docs, led by Dr.Valerae Lewis, removed the tumor and a 3 inch perimeter around it. They did not have to cut the peroneal (sp?) nerve (for foot flexing) like they originally were concerned about. A tendon was cut, but replaced by the Plastic Surgery team. The area removed is a perfect circle...its so strange.

The next team of doctors was the Plastic surgery team; seems they had the hardest job. They had to figure out a way to fill in the big gaping hole the tumor and the surrounding tissue left. Pre-surgery, they had given me a few scenarios of where they may pull muscle, tissue and skin from, but they couldn't be definite until they got inside to see. Turns out they were able to use a part of my calf muscle to strectch up and over to fill it in. It feels like how i'd imagine a huge fish hook would feel if it were to catch you and pull on a big muscle. A tendon and some skin were removed from the thigh of the same leg. I'm still not sure exactly where that tendon went, but i'll find out and keep you posted. I think its somewhere in my knee.

So, now i've got this removable cast that goes from my ankle to my thigh, which i have to wear for 6 weeks in order to keep my leg completely straight. We have to change my dressing once a day, where the transplanted skin is cleaned and medicated, as are my scars on the calf. There is also a nifty little drainage bag that we empty knee-juice from twice a day. Mmmm-mmm.

its funny how things are relative, but i'm about to type something that i never thought i'd say: I LOVE MY CRUTCHES! Really. When i went from walker to crutches, i felt like that commercial for Red Bull "I've got WINGS!" No more calling the nurses for help to go to the bathroom (that gets soooo old!) In fact, the very first day i used them, the Physical Therapist had me go UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS! However daunting, I did it, no prob. If there was a relay race for hobblers on crutches, i'd give anyone a run for their money...i've totally got the hang of these things; they've given me freedom.

Aside from the odd pulling sensation in my calf, there isn't immense pain. The area where the drainage tube is inserted is sore and the spot where they removed the skin for the transplant is raw, but nothing some pain meds can't conquer. My knee is very swollen and i can feel pressure from that if i stand for too long, but overall I'm feeling great. I am SOOOO thankful to have that surgery behind me that i feel like its smooth sailing from here on out.

I won't be able to drive for months...i don't even know how long. Also, i'm going to have Physical Therapy for quite some time after i get my cast off. That's ok, though: I've been mentally, spiritually and physically preparing for that all summer, so BRING IT ON!!

There! That's much better.

2007-08-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (big sigh!)

i just took my first real bath at home. I spent 10 cathartic minutes scrubbing and rubbing off all the remaining adhesives from IV bandages, thus putting the hospital experience a little further behind me. (What in the heck do they use for that stuff? Its better than superglue...it really took that long, no joke.)

Even though that was the most awkward bath ever, it could have also been the best one. I've been getting "washed" from little pink plastic tubs and rags, while sitting in the bed hooked up to machines. This one involved my beloved jacuzzi, an empty margarita bucket (for pouring water), a big black trash bag (to cover my enormous cast) and a white plastic lawn chair (for sittin'). It took way longer than any bath i've had, but i feel like a million bucks...well, maybe $198,000,000 and some change.

WifeSwap...its a good diversion, OK?!

2007-08-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

OH MAN! Either i've just missed this show alot, or this one is a hum-dinger. I just had to interrupt the regularly scheduled blog to start recording some of these quotes. Its too much!

For those of you who, for some reason beyond me, haven't seen this show, lemme see if i can squeeze in a description during a commercial. Two families are seemingly chosen based on their locations, beliefs, interests, neurosis', etc. The wives trade locations for 2 weeks, and if all abide by the rules, both families win $10,000. The first week they spend living the way the family usually does, getting to know everyone. The second week (after a Rules Changing Ceremony) the mom's change the rules, according to how she sees fit, and the fun ensues! Ultimately, after some delicious drama, lessons are learned and families grow closer. On rare occasions, the endings aren't happy. Almost always, the kids are happier...its the adults that are screwing things up and don't realize it.

One of the things that's so intriguing is seeing how different people raise their kids. Maybe i wouldn't be as interested if i weren't a parent, but then again, i was hooked when i was teaching, too. It really is fascinating to see how some people's "crazy" is the next guy's "normal."

This particular episode has been a gem: Of course the unruly hick family lives in Texas, and the other mom is from the city. This #2 mom considers herself to be such a Diva (its her "philosophy in life") that she actually changed her name to D'eva!!! All 4 of her kids are little clones, and she has even brainwashed/trained her husband to fall in line. Surprisingly, she has some good parenting ideas for mom#1. The Texas mom has 4 boys and lets them run crazy, even cussing at the parents, saying "Boys will be boys."

Like most of the shows, these families run the opposite extremes. In situations like this one, its really hard to believe that it gets so heated, then they actually thank each other at the end,often shaking hands. It could be the $10,000.

Here's some memorable quotes enjoyed over the past hour. i must be bored.

"Oh, he ain't never killed nobody. They just making memories"

"What makes you feel like a woman?" "Cooking meals, cleaning my house"

"I knew i was going to a different house this week, but i didn't know i was going to a doghouse"

"i'm locking up your eyebrow pluckin' implements"

"Don't match, Don't matter" -texas mom about her clothes

"i got 4 manly boys. THis s**t is gonna make 'em sissies" - texas dad about D'eva insistance that she tweeze everyone's brows.

"D'eva came to town and made these country hicks city slicks"

"i'm in a field full of crap, and he's driving around me in a car"~ d'eva
"Who gave him the keys to the car?"
"No one did--he hot-wired it?" texas dad
"Who taught him that?"
"I did" texas dad

"Naw, you don't turn this table on me...that is dangerous." d'eva

2007-08-20T17:11:00.001-07:00

I am now compelled to write about some other things that made me happy today.

* i finished a great book by David Sedaris. It has given me many a smile & chuckle over the last humorless days. Man, that guy has a great view of the world.

* i've spoken to all kinds of family and freinds today. Its been really nice to have to time to answer the phone for every call.

* i got some B-YOO-tiful cupcakes from some thoughtful friends in Nac (thanks Runnels and Mosiers! Y'all ROCK!) They made mom & my bellies happy, as well as some happy nurses. Also, my room is filled with some loverly, loverly flowers...sweetens up the look and smell of this place.

* I'm watching one of my favorite shows, "WifeSwap". I forgot it was on Mondays; that was one of my skating nights. I also forgot how much i LOVE this show...its so voyeuristic. You can't make this stuff up.

* I've stumbled across an America's Funniest Video marathon and have laughed all day! This isn't the one with the annoying Bob Saggett as the host...he's unbearable.

* i'm so glad to be blogging again i'm totally reaching for material...time to start surfing.

Holy Crap!

2007-08-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

Let me apologize in advance for the tasteless nature of what is to follow. The ugly truth is, these are the most exciting things i've gone thru today. I considered even not blogging on these topics, but then i wouldn't have much to write about. Please feel free to discontinue reading at any time. Rest assured, i'm censoring myself.

Lets just say that the"Congratulations" i wrote about in a prior post was premature. I've never felt so ridiculous and helpless as i did today, struggling to move things along for almost an hour. To say struggle is a horrible understatement~ I am certain that my child labor wasn't that intense. If i had had stitches in the nether regions this time, they'd have sent me back for repairs. I was sweating, had the shakes and my ears were ringing: i felt like i should have been able to pass out cigars when i was done. Where was my standing ovation? The recognition that i so naiively made fun of, only hours earlier? I felt like i'd laid a watermelon.

Now i'm scared to go back into the bathroom.

i'm off the hook

2007-08-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

...unplugged, that is! i only have two more tubes left, and those are coming out soon.

I used to squirm at the very idea of a catheter (...and i'm not even sure how to spell it. ) The only time i'd ever had one was during childbirth 3 years ago, and that was so brief i hardly remember it. I am still feeling a little fidgetty just writing about it. Its a weird thing, to be sure, but i'm already missing mine. They took it out a couple of hours ago and, 3 recommended cups of water later, nature calls.

ok....several minutes later, catching my breath. I had to call for help to scoot over to the bathroom, 6 feet away! I am comfortable hobbling with the walker now, but i had to get help with the 2 tubes i still have attached, so they could follow along with the rolling cart of attachments.

I'll be glad to get these attachments off so i can go by myself next time. One of the tubes is a vacuum for drainage from my knee. I'm not sure what will replace it; i think its still draining. The other attachment is an IV for nutrition & antibiotics and its going to be taken out today.

When Nurse Lucy took my Morphine drip away, she told me to "Say good-bye!" I felt like i was parting with an old friend and felt a pang of lonliness.

Gross Alert Part 1

2007-08-20T05:49:00.001-07:00

Sunday i awoke to mixed emotions. My olfactory senses were first to arouse, noticing a very unpleasant smell. Groggy from sleep and morphine, i thought "well, at least i finally had a BM". Luckily, before my mind could fully comprehend how uncomfortable and gross that'd be, i realized the smell was just my breath! False alarm. That had been 2 days since i'd been able to brush my teeth....horrible!There had been so much talk, casual talk, about BM's that it was just the first thing that came to mind.

For instance, i was amazed at the nurse who popped in and announced: "I hear you've had a BM! That's great!" There were several people in the room, so i felt funny about how to respond. "Why, yes i did!" i said, while scanning their proud faces. I got a tinge of recognition of how my son must feel during his "potty training" experience. Maybe i'll knock the enthusiasm down a notch or two.
No wonder he says he'd rather stick to diapers. They are going to take out my catheter today and i'm not looking forward to it. That means i'm going to have to get up whenever i need to go potty...its been such a relief to not have to get up. (and, OK I"LL BE HONEST, i could drink lots o coffee and sleep thru the night). i realize that makes me sound the ultimate in slacker, but you would not BELIEVE the effort it took for me to get to the bathroom yesterday. i was seriously shaking, dizzy and out of breath. it was crazy.

i've got so much grossness to write about, i'm realizing i'm going to have to post another blog later; these people are ready to get me up and running. i gotta brush my teeth!

belated update

2007-08-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

don't know where to start, but figure i oughta post soon...i've been getting some phone calls i don't have the energy to return at night and i guess i've left some folks hanging...don't want that. i actually did fire up the ole computer the other day, but after getting caught up on reading some blogs, i ended up just going to sleep. The first few days here are a blur.

Honestly, the things that have been most noteworthy aren't necessarily bloggable; or are they?

I just had a good night sleep, meaning that i could fall asleep after they "check your vitals" every 2 hours. The first night i was here, i had no idea what time it was and would toss and turn, staying awake. Except, i can't "toss" or "turn"...i have to stay in this one position on my back. I am a side-sleeper, so this isn't my fave way to fall, or stay, asleep, but i'm managing. I guess its the morphine, but i've been able to nod off during the day then sleep well at night.

It seems that phase of convalescing is OVER! At 7 AM sharp, one of my doctors came in and started bellowing out plans. ( Surely he noticed i was asleep, or heard my mom snoring in the corner...?!?!? No matter!) It's time for the catheter to come out, time for me to get up and get moving some more and time to loose the morphine drip! He'll write a script, another doc will be back later today to check on the drainage vacuum ( for later Gross Post) and they'll check on my long-term cast. This is a tough-love kind of doctor/person who isn't going to let the grass grow under his feet/ my butt. His goal is to get me out of here ASAP.

Hmm....maybe i'll appreciate that later? Right now, i've gotten to where i hate to see him coming. Yesterday he reminded me that, in the scheme of things, my surgery wasn't that big of a deal. That was very comforting before surgery, actually. Not exactly comforting now...but i get what he's saying. There are people here who have had their legs removed! So get up and get moving!

See, i set myself up. The first day after surgery, 2 young physical therapists came to take me "on a walk". Looking back thru my druggy haze, i realize that they were both new to it...they were helping each other while they were helping me. I don't know how, but i managed to walk around the entire nurses station! It had to be the drugs...and also, these 2 kids were very talkative and that was a good diversion. I can't imagine walking that far now.

Now the next day, Saturday,there was only one Physical Therapist and i guess she assumed i knew what i was doing...but it was a disaster! She didn't help me move my leg, so i basically slid the cast off the bed, painfully "landing" it on the floor and then got all my assorted tubes all tangled up. I could barely make it a few feet out the door and i turned around. My catheter tube wasn't arranged right, so that caused some pain for some time after, until that was sorted out; i was exhausted after that failed attempt. I was more than happy to lay in bed the rest of that day.

So the next day was Sunday and i was "on my own" as far as to "Ambulate" because the P.T's were off. YAY. I ambulated to the chair and ate lunch, visited with friends and felt just fine about it. I topped that off with an overzealous trip to the toidy (see Gross Post) and was back to bed. That wore me out.

They are also going to take out my morphine drip today...my smooth sailing is about to hit some bumpy waters. It's just now 8:30 and i've already seen 2 doctors.

need i mention, my hair is looking fabulous these days?

huge honkin' zit

2007-08-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

its 1 am and i find myself rummaging thru stacks of papers and files on my desk, looking for something i could've found easily in the last 4 weeks. I don't know why, but i was so compelled to see this, that i dragged myself out of bed, and now that i can't find it, i am even more eager. Will this keep me awake, wondering...obsessing? Probably.

Might as well sit down and blog about it, since i'm at a loss of where to look next, and i've been remiss in writing for over a week. I don't know if i can sit still long enough to write, though; i've already had to start this paragraph over twice. Lately the idea of blogging has been something akin to looking in the mirror when you have a huge honkin' zit : you know what you're going to see, (that honker staring back at you), so why take the time to look at it? I've spent the last several weeks doing all sorts of stuff to keep so busy that i don't have to look at that zit.

Dr. Phil might call this Avoidance, but I'm calling it Tootling Around the House and it's been working for me! My ceiling fan blades are clean, some $5 lawn chairs i've had for years are finally painted, my flowerbeds look good and i've fresh-cut flowers in vases around the house. I've "time-traveled" thru pictures, journals and friends, celebrated my 3 year old's birthday for a week, then managed to squeeze in a Clown gig, a Craft night, a musical and plenty of movie watching. Also, i FINALLY got to get into a pool this week, too! (Texas summers without swimming just aint right.)

Oh yeah, why am i up at 1:30 writing when i am supposed to be looking for something? I really wanted to get a gander at the disc from MD Anderson that has my x-rays and CAT scans on it. It's a 3D picture that you can scroll around and see from various angles. It's been long enough since i've seen it, or thought about it, that my memory has grown a little fuzzy. I want to see how it looked before [radiation] , because we are going to take some more pics on Wednesday to see how it looks now. I can tell by feeling it that it's changed shape, and is perhaps a little smaller.

i don't know why i want to see it, because the thought of blood and guts actually makes me a little nauseous. I don't imagine it to be made of cells and tissue, though. i think i'm picturing something more like those cartoon versions of germs and viruses on those Toenail Fungus commercials. They are all slimy, dripping with ooze and unfriendly. i'm feeling a little uncomfortable now just thinking about it. ( The Toenail Fungus commercial, that is.)

i guess i want to see something tangible, something besides my measly imagery conjured up, based on medical descriptions. I can't clearly understand/ comprehend what exactly is going to happen on Thursday because I don't fully know where all this effer is...neither do the docs. There is the question of it being close to that ever important "flexing" nerve...that they "won't know until we open it up and see" has echoed in the back of my mind whenever i let thoughts wander way back there.

Yes, "at least i'll be able to walk"...this is true: and MONUMENTAL, make no doubt... AND i am CERTAIN that, whatever the difficulty in recooping, i'll be fine and adapt. Make no mistake: i am THANKFUL and count my blessings everyday...it's just that weird, uncomfortable feeling of when you don't know what's around the corner.

I last felt like this when i was pregnant. I had something growing inside me. For 9 months, the excitement grew as the baby did, and we could only imagine what it would be like to bring that baby home. Despite all the books i'd read or stories i'd heard, i couldn't actually conceptualize what life would be like after that birth.

Really, the parallel that originally came to mind here was the inablility to see beyond S-Day, Thursday of this week. Writing this i realize another: I've been carrying another "something" around on my knee, this parasitic growth, surviving on the same cells and blood that keep the rest of me alive! Instead of excitement growing, its been something else* completely different. I've known for months that its going to be cut out...but i don't have "What to Expect When You're Expecting Surgery" or "The Girlfriends Guide to Surgery" in this case. All i've got are some X-rays and CAT scans... that i can't find.

* that something else? Once the initial fear of hearing the word "Cancer" subsided, it's been a flurry of emotions/feelings/experiences that haven't finished swirling yet. (I picture them finally floating down around me after this is all over with.) Among those flurries, the fear has not been there...even now. Honestly. I can only attribute this to the Faith that i have, and to all the prayers that have been lifting me up. This bravery isn't "me", the confidence isn't from ME...the comfort and calm that i have does not come from me! Its truly a gift from God. I am certain that I'd be a freaking basket case otherwise.

......OH! i just remembered where that blasted folder is with the CD in it. Later.

Positive Energy is Contagious!

2007-08-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was in a room with several of my fave gal-pals last night, and the positive vibes zoomed through the room! I woke up all smiley.

We got crafty and made all sorts of fun marble-magnets, which i won't describe too much, lest i ruin any surprise for Christmas gifts. As much fun as that was, that's not what reverberates in my memory of that evening: here's a sample of the happiness going around:

* one friend is due with her baby girl any minute, hour, day now!! We all giggled with glee at the prospect of holding that little thang soon.

* two friends are about to sign contracts on houses this month ( a first for both!). The excitement of packing, moving, decorating, gardening was discussed. One of these gals also has an exciting new job, to boot. Speaking of booting, her computer works great too ;) and she's real happy about that.

* one whippersnapper is about to finish her Masters and have her 25th birthday next week! She's worked long and hard, managing to pursue a dizzying number of other accomplishments at the same time. An inevitable celebration is planned.

* another friend, who is always good for laughs, is happy about someone new in her life. We're all happy for her. She brought the hostess a funny gift.

* I don't want to leave out the new girl we met, destined to be a crafty new friend. I'm sure she's got more excitement in her life, but the main thing we were all excited about is her free smoothies her job allows her. Also, she let me borrow her glue, so she must be nice.

It's amazing how being in the company of good people has an effect on you. It makes you thankful, content, expressive, interested and feel like you are in just the right place.

Haunting Thoughts

2007-08-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

As i pass my time at home before S-Day, a thought keeps occurring that i can't ignore. What began as a mild muse has become a nagging, annoying concern: "Am i going to be able to do this after surgery?"

Its popped up when i'm working in my flowerbeds, while squatting down to play with Tready or to pick up the Legos for the millionth time. What about dancing, or skating, which i both LOVE! Bending over to pick up the perpetual supply of dog-hair-collections in the corner, or finding worms for Tready. Then, more recently, its popped up in Yoga class.

Then, of course, there's the shoe attachment i have. I find myself staring longingly at some of my favorite fancy shoes, wondering if i'll ever get to a point where function will surpass fashion and i won't care if i'm destined to wear flats for the rest of my days....its hard to imagine at the moment.

Doctors have said that after healing, i should*.......

* slight ADD/crazy-mom-moment distraction; i just had to run out of the room because i heard the Squirrel Nut Zippers on SESAME STREET!! If there is a question in anyone's mind that Sesame Street isn't as good as it used to be (i've heard some peops hate Elmo, and think S.S has gone downhill---hrmph!!) its better!! That was AWESOME and worth running into the kitchen for. They were in an old bar looking set called "Birdland" and were singing "Put a Lid on It" to a bald muppet who kept exchanging pot lids and hats on his head. The lead singer was so preggars she's about to pop, yet elegant in pink velvet. And now, back to our regularly scheduled program...

....where was i? oh yes: i've been told that i can "be active", "good as new" and "back to skating in no time" by the docs. This will be after months of physical therapy. I'm skeptical.

The thing is, despite my "disregard" for my physical health in earlier years, i have somehow managed to stay in really good shape. There were about 5 years, while i was teaching that i got a little lumpy, but i've gotten back (thanks to a year 1/2 of Roller Derby). Somehow thru collge years i managed to maintain health by riding my bike to school, but that's really all i did physically...( unless i could include the act of lifting cans of frosty beverages from table to mouth, up, down, up, down, up, down...there was some of that.) Aside from occassional go's at aerobics classes or videos, i've never been consistant enough to consider myself athletic, by any means. I've quit more activities than i've excelled in. In fact, i often lean toward laziness. The main thing keeping me from that rut now is my newfound passion to make the most of my time ( not that i won't still see the value in laying around for a good ole' movie(s) day...)

So, its a wonder that i find myself at 36 feeling in the best shape i've ever been in. Youth and good genes (thanks mom & dad!) were on my side before...now i've got Tready and my outdoor hobbies (sans bike, temporarily...blasted!) I've hung up my skates for the time being and that left a void.

I think i may have found just what i need in Yoga...I've been to my first 2 classes this week, early in the morn, and its great! I love the quiet time and stretching, getting the blood flowing. Breathing deep feels good and healthy, and when i leave there i am energized and ready to start the day. Best of all, not only will i be able to eventually get back into it after surgery, i think it will really help me to return to my current state of flexibility...or at least, as close as i'll be able to get to it. I love ya, Roller Derby, but i can't say the same for you.

To those nagging thoughts questioning my physical fate: I'm still going to be able to walk. I'm still going to be able to spend time with my family. I'm still going to be able to enjoy nature, friends, art, food, books, music, comedy and yes--frosty adult bevvies! So what if i may not be able to wear my favorite high heel shoes or sit in a lotus position? I'll still be kicking!!!

2007-08-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

take it as a good sign that i haven't checked in lately; i'm doing well! I'm just super busy getting stuff done before Surgery Day, hereafter to be called S-Day. They aren't even things that are that important, but for some reason, i feel compelled to do them before i have to sit in bed wishing i could do them....like rearranging my bedroom, dusting ceiling fans and getting up into the attic. If it weren't for impending S-Day, i wonder if i'd care...nah.

i haven't really even gotten on the computer much, and when i do, i am reading others' blogs then i feel like my day isn't that exciting to write about. Don't get me wrong...its exciting to me and tready, but would it be of interest to my dear readers? not so sure.....

In fact, I've been meaning to blog so much that i even dreamt about it last night. In a true Art-imitates-Life fashion ( the art here being my dream) i was dreaming that i was washing dishes, wanting to blog about my day. But my "day" in my dream had been interesting, involving a deceased old friend who was chasing my car on foot, trying to get me a secret message....(or something like that, its a little hazy now.) Anyway, yesterday i was actually washing dishes and wanting to blog...so i dreamt about it.

was this worthwhile reading? maybe not...i'm tired. Just wanted everyone to know that i'm doing ok.

I feel your pain, PeeWee!

2007-07-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

Its so good to be home....even if some LOSER stole my bike last week! Right from my carport--the nerve!! How is it that i practically spend the summer in one of our largest cities and never encounter crime of any sort, yet come home to my little ole' town and experience it right on my own property???

I was really pissed at first, but i am starting to come to terms with it now. The thing that makes me the maddest is that i didn't lock it up...like we usually do. I didn't even notice it was gone for a few days, because i thought Brad had locked it away like he usually does. Hrmph! Also, i'm glad the LOSER (s?) didn't take anything else...

Brad and i got our bikes in 1996, the year we got married. We really splurged on mine because i fell inlove with it; it was a Schwinn reproduction of a 50's cruiser called an Electra. I was drawn to immediately because it looked like PeeWee Herman's bike. It had white-wall tires, chrome fenders and handlebars and a black & white leather seat. It rode with a comfortable bounce and had 6 gears. I spent my last few years of college riding to campus on it.

The last 2 years, i've used it on outings with Tready. We made many trips to campus to feed the ducks, or going to Kindermusic classes. This is what makes me the maddest still; times when i think it'd be a good time for a bike ride with him, then i remember; "Oh yeah....some LOSER stole it !!!"

After reporting it to police, i had to deal with knowing that its pretty unlikely i'll be getting it back. I still couldn't help myself from driving around town for a few days anyway, craning my neck to look closely at anyone riding a red bike.

It was after driving and looking for an hour or so, when it hit me: now i know how PeeWee felt! I never thought i'd identify with PeeWee Herman so well, aside from shared packrattery habits and impecable Bike taste...but now i can really understand how he felt in that cinematic classic PeeWee's Big Adventure. I'm going to have to watch it again, tissues ready for the scene where he collapses from shock outside the bike store when he discovers his bike has been stolen. I feel your pain, PeeWee!

On speaking of such goopy, bloody, gross things

2007-07-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

Man, it felt good to sleep in on Monday! It was the first time in 5 weeks I didn't have to get up and drive downtown...(i don't know how you Houstonites do that everyday!) However, some mornings i found i almost enjoyed it, if i wasn't running late and i could sip my coffee, chillaxin' to 95.7 The Waaaave.....that is, until some uptight, speeding Yahoo would zoom past me, whilst honking and gesturing. I don't drive fast enough for city traffic, i guess. And in that Big Red Truck, i stuck out like a turd in a punchbowl....i'm sure Houston won't miss me either!~

Well, just as i was getting used to being home, i had to get back to MDA for a meeting with a Plastic Surgeon yesterday. The information i learned about surgery yesterday is still sort of sinking in; it's going to be a little unpleasant, sounds like. Words like "skin-flaps", viscious (sp) tissues, drainage, bed-rest, tissue transfers and straight-leg brace were all floating around as i tried to scribble them down in my notes.

There are 2 plastic surgeons who, as it turns out, will be doing the majority of the surgery. My principal surgeon is going to spend up to 4-6 hours removing the tumor and the tissue around it, then the Plastic guys come in. They could spend 8+ hours doing their job!!

They said there will be a large hole in my leg,once the tumor is removed, so their job is to retrieve tissue/veins/skin to fill it in and cover it up. Their non-chalant manner (professionalism?) of speaking of such goopy, bloody, gross things amazed me...i tried not to have this look on my face

as they were describing the procedure, but it was damn hard. (I have that look on my face right now just writing about this.) They'll remove all the "filler" from various spots they couldn't quite say yet, but include the outer thigh, inner-thigh, stomach or back. Also, the calf muscle could be "pulled around" and used to fill in the space. OUCH!

SO: I'll be "under" for this entire time. I wonder what i'll say when i'm not aware of what i'm saying. i'm going to ask them to tell me what i said, when i wake up.

For those of you who feel i don't Blog enough, rest assured that you'll be hearing from me plenty the week following surgery August 16th: i'll be there for "bed rest", "physical therapy" and "draining" of the wounds (!!!) First question i had for them was "Can i use my computer there?" Big relief when they said Yes. I can wile away the hours no prob!

Finally, I got to retrieve my Mimi-Mobile, which is all good and fixed up now. NOW, that drive really felt like coming home.

Only Houston Roller Derby.....

2007-07-16T04:49:00.000-07:00

....could motivate me to get back into my car and drive to Houston again!

I had the honor of being invited to whistle the Star Spangled Banner at the opening of the Bout tonight. Although i was a bit nervous, I was able to keep my cool and pulled it off. My high note was a little shakier than i would've liked, but at least i hit it.

I'll always remember this panoramic mental image i've got from turning full circle during the performance, so i could see the audience and the players. Most everyone was standing and looking pretty reverent, then i see Goldy Blox as i scan across the teams; she sticks her tongue out. It was pretty funny....it was so hard not to laugh.

Brad and I left Nacogdoches at 2:30, got in on the guestlist, then left around 8:30 to be home for the babysitter by 12:00. What a whirlwind! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Well, so much for picture quality...

2007-07-16T04:40:00.000-07:00

...it's a camera phone, what do you want?

Blurriness and all, i think it is a fabulous picture! That is my main soldier on the frontlines...shooting the radiation to shrink this sucker for the last five weeks!

i rang that bell 3 times, signifying a new journey. My first one was back home.

Enough with the previous depressing post, already!

2007-07-11T22:00:00.001-07:00

Things are going great...sorry i haven't updated.

I have Tready with me this week in Clear Lake, so i haven't had the free time like i have in previous weeks. My best-friend-from-high-school's family (my 2nd home in those days) has opened up their house to us for the week. BFF played the "C-card" and got off work, so she came in from Austin, bringing along her little firecracker for Tready to play with. Its been a great week, the two little ones are having a blast...even when they aren't, we are.

The first night here i was introduced to my new fave entertainers of the moment: Flight of the Conchord. I'm too tired to do a link right now, but i think you can find them on www.whatthefolk.com. We watched 3 episodes and that night i dreamt that we all joined their fan club. If you check it out, you are sure to be entertained.

Then, Tuesday i had 2 radiation treatments to make up for missing one on the 4th of July. It was the first time that i felt dizzy/ nauseauousoususus-however-you-spellit. I felt fine after a nap, though....ah, naps. The worst part of this was i missed out on a swimming outing with the kids, but all the doting adults took pix, so i got to see how much fun they had. Tready's on vacation, man!

Today i had my last visit with the Oncologist. He observed that my bump had gotten smaller, which is unusual for a sarcoma. Take that, Knee Bunion! HA! After answering a few questions, he stood up, told me things are looking good for surgery(August 16th), then said "I don't want to have to ever see you again", shook my hand and was gone. Ditto, Doc!

I have been eating really well since i got here; some authentic greek food, some home-made stir-fry yesterday and tonight was Seafood Gumbo. Also, Zoo2 brought over a bunch of chocolate that i have found great comfort in, as well.

Tready has taken to sleeping in The Big Bed. I inadvertantly made this trip without the travel crib, but he'd really outgrown it already. I wasn't sure how well he'd stay in bed, but so far so good. He seems so proud to do Big Boy stuff. Plus, his new friend also sleeps in a Big Bed, which he likes to point out.

Its been fun being back in Clear Lake. For the most part, the area has changed so much that i don't know where i am half the time. Being here with these old friends, however, makes me feel right at home. The walls might be a different color now, and there are toddlers running around instead of teenagers, but so much is still the same. It even smells the same. There is constantly something to laugh about, whether its an old story or watching the kids do something silly and we are eating well!...its been fun. (Or as Zoo2 would say, "Chillaxin'") There is alot to write about here, but i'm too tired to do it justice; another time.

What else? Apologies for quick and to the point; don't want to leave anything out...and i'm ready to crash. Zoo2 and i have been looking at things under a microscope for the last coupla hours and my eyes is tired.

i'm ringing that bell day after tomorrow. Then i'm going HOME!

Trying to Keep my cool....

2007-07-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

....not sure if i can do that and write about what just happened...but here goes;

The silence of this lobby was just interrupted by a screaming little girl. Her poor parents...they were having to hold her, kicking and screaming. I noticed that she was bald from chemo. She was probably around tread's age, still learning to talk, but she was very clear with her communication.
"NO!"
"I DON'T WANT TO GO!"
"PUT ME DOWN!"

That little firecracker's voice is still hanging in the air, even though she's gone. She was giving it everything she had to get her point across...it was a shrill, powerful, huge plea. The determination in her face showed experience beyond her years...She's a little warrior and doesn't even know it yet.

i've often mused about children's behavior, thinking itwould be funny if adults did the same things....like laying on the floor to kick and scream if the mood struck. Kids are so honest about how they feel. That little girl was speaking/screaming for all of us sitting in here; we're just keeping it all in.

I'm having a hard time keeping it in now...i pray for that little girl. I pray for her parents. She's a little fighter; keep fighting it, kiddo!!

gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopyla la la

2007-07-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello.........
I heard this song playing on a piano as I entered the lobby this morning. Its a fun good morning song, so i meandered over to the piano to listen up...when i saw that there was no pianist! It's a player piano, just going to town & playing up a storm. Kinda funny at the end---i wanted to clap, but for what? The electrical plug giving it the juice to play? Nah...i'll just write about it.

This song is one that i like at first, but gradually HATE because it gets stuck in my head for days!!! The first part is nice, but the ever-so-catchy jibberish, which i unfortunately have memorized, is maddeningly catchy, durnit! How is one supposed to function with this going thru their head? gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopyla la la - lo losabba sibbi sabba nooby aba nabalee lee - lo lotooby ooby walanooby aba naba?!?!?!

For those of you who may not know, this is from the musical HAIR. The soundtack is great, even if it seems to be written by stoners....see for yourself.

Good morning starshine, the earth says hello
you twinkle above us, we twinkle below
good morning starshine, you lead us along
my love and me
as we sing our early morning singing song

gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopyla la la - lo losabba sibbi sabba nooby aba nabalee lee - lo lotooby ooby walanooby aba naba

early morning singing song
Good morning . . .gliddy glub gloopy . .
.Singing a song, humming a song
singing a songloving a song, laughing a song
singing a songsing the songsong the singsong song song singsing sing sing songsong song song singsing sing sing song

update on Tribute...

2007-07-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

I knew i wouldn't be able to recall all the generosity during that last writing. On my way home, a big'un came to me: MUSIC! I have a few examples of how therapuetic this had been...in the form of:

....a mixed CD full of various tunes, new and exciting for this journey. I really appreciate the time it took to collect the songs made for this Red Shoes collection my friend made. Then, more specifically, Ben Folds is a new fave!.......he fits the bill for so many moods i've been in lately. It sure has made the BORING 59 N drive much more entertaining.

...Karaoke Night! My dear friend had just arrived in Houston for a family trip on a Tuesday, of all nights....and she knew i'd dig a Karaoke night out because she'd told me about this place for years! Even though this wasn't the ideal night, she was pretty determined to meet up. I thought about cancelling at one point because i was tired, but that "Kareoke-Fool" in me wouldn't hear of it, so i went...and i'm SO glad i did. it was the first week there without my boy, and it sure helped the time go by! We laughed, laughed, and (as strange as it may seem) even prayed together at the kareoke bar that night. AWESOME!

...The night my (mom's) friend's band The Pink Flamingos played and we got comped to get into the private party; that was a major pick-me-up. My friend, who is running the Newton Summer Hotel, and i got to have a fun time, starting with the moment we got there and they pulled us on stage...crazy musicians! We love you!

...Music is such a gift. It permeates MD Anderson mid-day, at various lobbies with volunteers' musical contributions. The coolest part is that they are usually survivors who are playing. Its awesome to see/hear; it adds to the atmosphere in such a profound way; when they are finished playing....things move along, but while they play, time stands still.

...And what musical tribute would be complete without mentioning my corniest new passion, 95.7 The Waaave. ??!! This station in Houston has become the soundtrack to my Sarcoma Summer. I will always remember the Al Jareau re-mixes, the hourly Sade and windchimes following all announcements...this station got me thru the Houston rainy traffic without developing Road Rage.
"95.7 the waaaa-a-ave....Trrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnng......"
( windchime sounds)

Having a Baby makes you crazy...

2007-07-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

.....how crazy? Crazier than just babbling baby talk. I realized ultimate insanity today when i heard the Barney theme song as i passed the Children's Area ( at MDA). I had this uncomfortable realization that i like it!

When i first had tread, i said i wouldnt let him watch Barney because i couldn't stand it. I used to revel in HATING Barney. I guess its because my friend's little bro watched it when we were in HIgh School, and its an easy target to make fun of. I remember hearing about Barneys getting beat up, or having stuff getting thrown at them when doing public appearances ..then thinking it'd be hilarious to do that. Those poor schleps.

I also think the song got stuck in my head ad nauseum and i grew to hate it. (catchy jingles get caught in my head often...no matter how hard i try to get them out)

This time, hearing it made my heart go pitter-patter. If someone had told me years ago that i'd actually LIKE that song, i'd laugh in their face...but its true. I can imagine hearing Tready's little voice, barely hitting the notes, but getting every word right:

"I love you.
You love me.
We're a happy family.
With a great big hug
and a kiss from me to you...
won't you say you love me too?"

It's ok, folks.....Moan if you don't have kids. i sure would have.

Last weeks new friends..

2007-07-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

...getting caught up today while its raining outside. I'm still sitting at MD Anderson, much like i did last Monday but in a supremely better mood. My visit home was awesome, full of quality family time and seeing most of my friends at a FUN Baby Shower.

Last Monday was full of the Bad Mood Reflecting, and i never actully got around to writing about how that day/ mood ended. I believe i left off writing in one blog about a Doctor who was listening to the quartet next to me, and he got up to move a chair for an elderly lady. I wrapped up my writing that day because i ended up talking to them.

His name is Patrick and it turns out that he runs the Blood Center..(.i thought he was a doctor because he wore a similar Lab Coat.) I don't really remember what began the conversation, but at some point he was sharing a story about a friend recently diagnosed and began to get emotional. Since I had had such a moody day thus far, i was ready to lose it just listening to him. I finally did break down when he asked me where i was from and how old my little boy was.

So- here we were, two basket cases, whose paths "happened" to cross when we needed someone to lend an ear. He had to get back to work, but stopped off to talk to the little lady he had gotten a chair for earlier. He then introduced me to an 80 year old cancer survivor named Laverne. She was there to play piano.

(A strange aside: i have only known one other Laverne. She's old and also plays the piano! Ok, that may not seem so weird, except the day before this, i saw her for the first time in a year. She moved to Washington, but came to visit Sunday.)

Laverne-the-Piano-player #2 sat and visited with me for an hour or so. Patrick came back briefly to deliver a sandwich, chips and water to me. My bad mood had dissolved by then.

Big Red Truck, WTF?

2007-07-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

i can't believe i haven't written about my latest Knee-Bunion Adventure: i'm driving around Houston traffic in a huge, RED Silverado truck. If i didn't stick out like a turd in a punchbowl before, i certainly do now!

week before last, a little old man accidentally backed into my car while it was parked in the Valet Parking at the Radiation Center. It happened 20 minutes before i came outside. It's covered by insurance, the little guy wasn't hurt and i was able to drive it for the few days it took to get the details of getting it fixed worked out. The biggest drawback was that i had to get in and out on the passenger's side for several days.

I know the odds are higher here of meeting another person with Sarcoma,but it seemed really weird that the little ole man who hit me also had it. Bless his heart, his tumor was on his jaw and was as large as an avacado. He is also getting radiation treatment.

He felt so bad about hitting my car that he had tears in his eyes as he was telling me he would pay for the damage if his insurance didn't. The cops were talking to him when i left, so i didn't get to tell him good-bye, or that everything would work out. I hope he's doing ok.

A Tribute

2007-07-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

Good Friends....

...take care of my son, giving me a peace of mind.
...let me camp out at their house for over a month.
...give me a warm reception home, with smiles, hugs, etc.
...don't ask me to go over the details of my treatment again; (i.e they check my blog! )
...weed my garden! Water my flowers.
...wash and fold my laundry!! (what little annonymous fairy did that?)
...contribute to my travel expenses!!! (i'm still in awe of this generosity!)
...give tready love...keep me posted on what he's up to.
...bring Brad & Tready food. They are definately eating better than when i'm the cook!
...insist of buying me sweet-smelling indulgences from Bath & Bodyworks.
...lend / send great books to bring along.
...make me a perfectly travel-sized quilt, stitched with love.
...pray for me.
...show my family love.
...make me laugh.
...lend me clothes for traveling.
...design and collaborate to make a whimsical bluebird mobile..which i LOVE!
...itemize a custom list of great places to eat in the the area.
...let me roller skate with the Big Leagues!
...share their cancer experiences with me
...Help take care of my "baby"

(.......there's sooo much more! These are just off the top of my head)

One of the most important things i've learned from this experience so far is how to be a good friend. I pray that i don't miss an opportunity to return the favor.

Sleepy Head

2007-07-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

whoa! i just accidentally walked into the men's restroom! At first, i saw what i thought to be a "masculine looking woman" at the sink, but didn't think anything of the super-short hair since that look is a popular one around here. I didn't realize where i was until i was all the way inside and saw someone standing at a urinal. i think i officially need a nap.

I got up at 4:45 this morn so i could hit the road early for my 9:15 appointment. Usually i haven't had to leave that early for a monday, but this week is crazy because of the Fourth. I think this week will go quickly because i am going home for the holiday...then next week will be the Last Week of Radiation.

It's hard to believe that i am almost finished with this stage of treatment. Has it really been a month? The first time i heard Dr. Z say i'd have 25 treatments, it seemed like it would take forever. I've spent so much time here that i know my way around, have made some friends and am totally comfortable. I know where to get free coffee.

Makes me think of the first time i was ever here...mom was with me. We had to leave Nacogdoches early that morn too, and right as we were about to pull out of the driveway, my car clunked out. I think i've told that story...how we ended up driving the huge white 16 passenger van from my church all over Houston. After a near panic-attack, thinking i might miss THE appointment i'd waited weeks to get, mom and i were slap-happy

-deliriously-giggly.

The shoes i am wearing today reminded me of a pit-stop we made in Livingston. ( picture taken that day)>>>>>>>>>>

Just the night before, i had stubbed/sprained my toe so badly that i was sure it was broken; it really hurt to touch it, and even hurt to put my weight on it. The van we were driving was missing the flat part of the gas pedal and, after several miles of driving, was hurting my foot. Mom and i traded our right shoes and i was good to go.

Later, after large amounts of coffee, we had to stop at a McBathroom. It was at the height of the Breakfast rush at the drive-thru, and i was feeling a little pressured trying to maneuver this huge van around. These were hungry East Texans eager to get their McBreakfasts and i was in their way, so mom hopped out of the van to head inside....or so i thought.

As i was struggling to get out of the way, i had just put the van in reverse when i noticed my mom standing in the middle of the driveway with a funny look on her face. I thought she was crying at first, but then i recognized the "grimmace" of a full-on silent laugh that comes from deep down in the core...vocal chords paralyzed and face frozen, is the best i can describe. She started to walk towards me, and i tried to open the window but couldn't find the button in the unfamiliar van. Meanwhile, there was a line of cars forming because of me, so i focused on trying to park, thinking i'll run inside and find out what the deal was immediately after i did.

By the time i got out of the van, i realized what was so funny; mom and i hadn't traded back shoes. I don't know if this would have seemed as side-splitting-HA-larious any other time, but we had already launched the hysterics and couldn't stop laughing. While in the bathroom, ladies told us that they wondered what was wrong with mom when they saw her, and others wondered what the deal was with our shoes.

Just as we had regained our composure, a little lady said to us as we were leaving:

"Y'all done got yer tickle box turned on."

So, of course, we lost it again.

Sarcoma RIP

2007-06-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

i like the language Dr. Z uses about radiation: "We'll keep firing away at it" or "It will be dead by the time we remove it at surgery". This place is a Battle Zone, the doctors and their staff are the warriors. Their weapons are knowledge, scapels, drugs and these incredible machines:

This is theTheratron 780-C and i took that picture during radiation, hence the red light. This machine is nearly 30 years old; imagine the lives it has saved.

Here it is battling my Knee-Bunion:>>>>

Pretty cool, huh?

Even cooler is some history of Radiation i learned about today. The very first Radiation machine was called the "Cobalt-60 Irradiator" and was built in the late 1940's.

It treated the first patient ever on Feb. 22, 1954, a month before the hospital had officially opened.

Dr. Gilbert Fletcher, known as the "Father of modern Radio-Therapy", was a doctor here at M.D Anderson.

I took this from an interesting article about him:

"A French-born physician, Dr. Fletcher joined the fledgling M. D. Anderson staff in 1948 as director of radiotherapy. He opened a basement clinic in temporary quarters of an old family estate and soon began building a model of the first cobalt-60 unit that would dramatically change the outlook for cancer patients around the world."

THANK YOU DR. FLETCHER!!!

Fun People

2007-06-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

i have been sitting at this same table from 11:00 to after 5:00. I've gotten so into catching up on my blog, and putting pictures up, that i totally skipped lunch. If it weren't for the folks who just sat next to me with some delicious smelling food, i wouldn't have realized how hungry i am.

the day has also flown by because, once again, i met some fun people. i have't even written about the people i've met yesterday...or even the day before, for that matter. I'll have to catch up, then go eat. (Durn blog obsession!)

Today i am sitting in a popular place for assistants and cafeteria workers to eat lunch. I guess the tables are at a minimum , because i had 4 ladies pull up some chairs to sit at my table. It was really funny because they were venting about working here, since i was working on the computer, talked as if i wasn't even sitting here. At some point, they worked me into the conversation, mainly because i couldn't help but laugh with them at some of the stories.

One of the ladies had such an addiction to OREO cookies, she had one tattooed on her arm! She talked about how her kids aren't allowed to touch her cookies and she knows if they've gotten into them because she counts them. She buys them in bulk. Her friends were teasing her about it, and i suggested that we find a support group for her. "Surely you aren't alone" I told her. "There has to be other people out there, just like you, whose friends just don't understand". So we found the Oreo website and saw that they are having a contest for people to sing their jingle. She is from Jamaica and wasn't familiar with the song, so i played it on the computer. By the time lunch was over, all of us were singing the OREO jingle and laughing.

Now you can understand how i managed to skip lunch, eh? i'm off to the cafeteria now!

2 Funny Encounters

2007-06-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

When i was driving to Houston from Dallas a few weeks ago, i was feeling a little glum. It was raining and i had just left Tready behind for the first time. Then i saw this:

I was sure that my eyes were betraying me when my brain said "There is a truck carrying 4 colorful dragons." I did the full on Lucille-Ball-double-take. Who couldn't smile at this sight?

Speaking of Lucy, i met a bonified, Desilu-trained-and-approved Lucy impersonator last week! My friend and i were treated to a complimentary night at a private party she got us into. She's a great friend of my mom's, who i have heard about for years but hadn't met yet. Our Houston get-together was very impromptu and so much fun!!

My friend had a gift certificate to the Aquarium downtown, which happened to be right near the private party, so we splurged on "Surf & Turf". Then, the party ended up being a Block Party right outside The Rice Hotel and was pretty swanky; everyone was wearing Black & White. It just so happened that we had dressed accordingly, so we felt like we fit right in! It was a beautiful night, not too hot, smack dab in the middle of all the tall buildings.

The band my new Lucy-friend played with is called The Pink Flamingos and they were a hoot! There was some sort of audience participation for every song, and they got that party going. The moment we got there, they pulled us on stage with about 20 other people, and gave us all inflated guitars. We all took turns playing "air guitar" solos...it was so funny. Other party tricks included long strips of bubble wrap for people to jump on, a volleyball net put up and dozens of beach balls all over the place and of course, inflated pink flamingos. When i got home, my purse was full of all kinds of crazy deflated toys!