Maybe it was the gloomy, overcast morning....or a conversation with an old, faraway friend who is still grieving the loss of his mother (who i also loved...)
It might have been discussing, brainstorming and mulling over career ideas (yet again). Maybe i got stressed over how i handled a parenting situation or spazzed out when i found out that there were 3 escaped convicts in our little town. Despite waking up in a chipper mood, and having HORDES of things to be thankful for, i struggled with lapsing into a pitiful mood all day.
Tonight, as i was getting ready to go to bed, i thought i should hobble back to the computer for a few minutes to get a few thoughts out. I thought i might be getting close to putting my finger on what this mood is...i'm feeling anxious, but that's not quite it. It must be a combination of several things- or maybe i ate something funny.
I don't know what to expect for my upcoming Physical Therapy ~but then, i didn't know what was going to happen for surgery either. Maybe i've gotten used to gimping around? Maybe i've had so many series of these types of time frames that i'm tired of it. Its "Five Weeks" of radiation, "Two Weeks" of waiting, "Six Weeks" of Post Surgery...i'm ready for "Five Weeks" til Normal. Then there is the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what exactly that "Normal" is going to be.
Before Diagnosis, i was practicing skating RollerDerby 3 times a week with a League that is split up now. Aside from practices, I also was communicating with those friends regularly in meetings, emails and phone calls. During my absence, things have changed so drastically, that my involvement almost seems like a dream; a lifetime ago.
I'm not going to be able to play Roller Derby again and that hasn't really sunk in yet. This is a nagging thought that i triggered yesterday by reading FOUR Blood and Thunder magazines!* Its hard to think about because Roller Derby has meant so much to me on so many different levels...(other blog material here)...it feels like a big chunk of my identity has been cut out of my life, just like that Knee-Bunion was cut out. i know that i can be involved in other ways than skating, but i'm not sure i want to. At least, it will be awhile before i could do that without longing. i still get a tinge of sadness when i see my skate case all dusty in the corner with cobwebs on it.
Also, in the Old Life, I had 2 part-time jobs, neither of which i'll be returning to. I'm not lamenting that, but i do find myself at 36 wondering what i'm going to do with my life.
These things; changes and unexpected outcomes, seemed exciting to me until recently. Maybe i'm missing the familiarity of my Old Life....or maybe i'm just being moody.
I think i'm getting tired of "rolling with the punches" and "being a good sport"...but what's the alternative? I don't want to be a complainer and now, as i read over this, i feel whiney. I've been in a great mood for days...i've seen tons of friends and family recently. I guess i ought to get some sleep and lay off the caffine tomorrow.
* BTW, there is an awesome article in Summer 2007's Blood and Thunder magazine, by PWRD's Madame Furie, former Iron Maiden. It covers our trip to Austin's Roller Derby Bootcamp last December. Ah, good times!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
i've been feeling weird today.
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7 comments:
I know what you need: a baby!
Hang in there!
Love ya - Keri
actually, it's good to know you complain and whine every now and then. it makes you more human! life happens and the only thing we can really control is how we react to it. (oh my, i sound like dr. phil!) basically, it's still early but i just wanted to say that if you ever want to sit around and drown your sorrows in a chocolate cake, i'm there for you. we might have to get mary t. to make the cake though...
Ruby, I think you are allowed to whine every once in a while. Really. It is okay, my friend.
*hugs*
Love you, Sonnie
I hate those days...you can't put your finger on exactly what the problem is, but you just don't feel right...something's "off". We all have 'em and I find it somewhat helpful (even if only mildly helpful) to share those thoughts with someone. Did you feel even just a teensy bit better after writing your blog? I hope so...I think I can speak for all of your friends when I say that we all appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Personally, I'm flattered that you trust us enough to do that...and I hope it brings you comfort as well.
Didn't mean to get so mushy...just had to say it. ;-]
You know, no matter how big or small our problems may seem, everyone is entitled to a good bitch and moan session now and again. And the way you have handled all these huge changes with such grace, you're entitled to more than one. So cry if you want to and the rest of us will nod our head sympathetically and say "You deserve this!" Because you do. And we love you. And if you want a job, you can always have an art camp one (sorry I can't offer anything more dreamy). And if you want to hang out and drink coffee, I'm never too far away (even if the south side seems hopelessly far). You've got a friend in me and many, many others. You have handled the last few months with tremendous bravery and no small amount of ass-kicking. Pat yourself on the knee for that. Now if you are pondering the wisdom of a tantrum, go whole hog. XOXO.
Can't blame you one bit for how your feelin gurl. I mean damn, you supposed to be perky and chipper all the time?? That answer would be NO. Ya know, my precious sweet Dad died last year very suddenly, so I can relate to your life changing in a blink of an eye. It ain't easy but then again, no one ever said that it would be.
I think it's how you handle the obstacles that make you who you are. In my eyes (and probably everyone else too) you are doing a damn good job handling the rude slings that life has thrown on you as of late. You have a right to whine sometimes, cause overall your attitude is great! Hang in there my friend - you're doing awesome!
Thinkin bout cha in NC - Amy :)
Gee, and I've been in a pissy mood since Tuesday because some insensitive person asked me if I was EXPECTING because my belly was pooching out when I bent over to write something. At least you have a good excuse!!
KL
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