Now What?

Man, I hate it when I venture thru all my friends' blogs and there aren't new updates...i get so disappointed. Then i realize, "oh yeah, i do that too."

I guess lately I've just felt overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings one day, then conversely felt like i didn't have anything interesting to write about...then i get so bored with myself thinking so schitzoid that i just hunker down and read an hour of my new fave blog. After much reading pleasure, i'm still left feeling "Now what?"

Here's a synopsis of things i would have written about last week, just to get you caught up:

Scabs, scars, pus.
Stitches falling out.(..that's a good thing. They're supposed to.)
Itching. Scratching.
More scabs.
Fertility. Mortality. Spirituality.
Weird muscle spasms. Freakish surgery related movements.
Holes in my skin.
Numbness.
More scabbing. This is good.
Limping.
Artistic voids. Artistic blocks. Artistic fears.
Crossroads.
Loss. Envy. Heartache.
Scabs falling off.
New scabs forming.
Change.
Blah blah blah blah....who wants to read about this crap?
That's it in a nutshell.

I don't want to end with the impression that things are seeming glum: au contraire, mon freres!
Things are really looking up; this is sure to be an exciting week because i finally get to start rehab. When i mentioned being a little nervous about that yesterday, a friend put me in my place with: "Oh come on! You've been through childbirth...you can do anything!" Damn right!

I'm really not nervous about the actual physical therapy part...(ok, maybe just a wee little bit)
I've been plagued with other thoughts, which i find hard to verbalize. I've typed them, then erased them. They either sound trite or too personal...or maybe when i erase them i don't have to look at the words, then i don't have to think about them.

Often, i find myself thinking:

Now what?
Where to from here?
What do i do with this experience?
How do i keep my life continuing on the path of my "Fresh Start?"
How do i make the most of what i've learned? What exactly have i learned?

I don't want to screw it up...yet i realize there are probably no answers to some of these questions.
Yet, i can't avoid them. They come to me in the middle of the night. They come to me in the middle of conversations, meals or reading.
OH, but now, I've typed them out. They are out there hanging in black and white, waiting for me to do something about them.

Or maybe i'll just hit "Publish" and go play with my little boy;)