Thanks, Funky.

It's funny how my relationship to my blog is now.

Last year, with my Knee-Bunion Adventures, i felt compelled to write all the time. Each day was a new day with new experiences....there were times that i had so many things i wanted to write that i couldn't even cover it all. Things are different now and i've been trying to put my finger on it, but i haven't figured it out yet.

I feel like i jumped off a crazy carousel, rolled downhill for a time and just came to an abrubt halt. I've been scratching my head, looking around, trying to get things to come in focus and figure out where in the heck i've landed. Now what?

Yesterday i wanted to write. I was finally realizing that i've been avoiding writing, or even thinking, about certain things....er, thing.

It's that c-word. I got sooooo tired of talking about it, reading about it, writing about it....so i stopped.

In December, I finished my physical therapy, jumped off the carousel and got on a plane to Costa Rica. Christmas whirled by in a flurry of family, fun and travel. Then, I hit the ground running in January, making goals and getting organized...can't waste any time! Things are great; this year is off to a nice start. I've quit rolling down the hill and am left feeling a little bewildered.

I have this nagging "Now what?" feeling. It is a strange mixture of wanting to put last year behind combined with a desperate need to hang on to certain things. In a nutshell, this is what i've been avoiding; how confusing is that? I want to move on, but i need to stay rooted.

It's becoming clearer now that New Year has progressed some. I've really made some headway with the "moving on" part. I guess its time to delve into finally thinking about the things i want to remember about that experience, lest i forget. i thought i might get to that this morning, but the household is starting to wake up and its going to take more time and thought than i have now.

I saw a cartoon this morning that made me cry (!) Its a FunkyWinkerbean, which i haven't read in years. I read that it caused some controversy when it came out, but i never saw or heard about it until today.

Not only did it strike me as a poignant illustration of an unforgettable moment in the artist's life, but it's a vivid reminder of how freaking scary cancer is. I had almost forgotten....(or have just chosen not to think about it.) It really rattled me because i'm realizing that the time has come for me to think about It.

I have the feeling that i'd imagine someone who has been mugged might feel. Immediately following a dangerous encounter, when the adreneline is pumping and the victim is struck with the realization that they have survived something major. There is a moment of dumbfounded disbelief. What happens next? Tears, sighs of relief, surges of confidence/ fear? Then what?

i'll let you know when i figure it out.