huge honkin' zit

its 1 am and i find myself rummaging thru stacks of papers and files on my desk, looking for something i could've found easily in the last 4 weeks. I don't know why, but i was so compelled to see this, that i dragged myself out of bed, and now that i can't find it, i am even more eager. Will this keep me awake, wondering...obsessing? Probably.

Might as well sit down and blog about it, since i'm at a loss of where to look next, and i've been remiss in writing for over a week. I don't know if i can sit still long enough to write, though; i've already had to start this paragraph over twice. Lately the idea of blogging has been something akin to looking in the mirror when you have a huge honkin' zit : you know what you're going to see, (that honker staring back at you), so why take the time to look at it? I've spent the last several weeks doing all sorts of stuff to keep so busy that i don't have to look at that zit.

Dr. Phil might call this Avoidance, but I'm calling it Tootling Around the House and it's been working for me! My ceiling fan blades are clean, some $5 lawn chairs i've had for years are finally painted, my flowerbeds look good and i've fresh-cut flowers in vases around the house. I've "time-traveled" thru pictures, journals and friends, celebrated my 3 year old's birthday for a week, then managed to squeeze in a Clown gig, a Craft night, a musical and plenty of movie watching. Also, i FINALLY got to get into a pool this week, too! (Texas summers without swimming just aint right.)

Oh yeah, why am i up at 1:30 writing when i am supposed to be looking for something? I really wanted to get a gander at the disc from MD Anderson that has my x-rays and CAT scans on it. It's a 3D picture that you can scroll around and see from various angles. It's been long enough since i've seen it, or thought about it, that my memory has grown a little fuzzy. I want to see how it looked before [radiation] , because we are going to take some more pics on Wednesday to see how it looks now. I can tell by feeling it that it's changed shape, and is perhaps a little smaller.

i don't know why i want to see it, because the thought of blood and guts actually makes me a little nauseous. I don't imagine it to be made of cells and tissue, though. i think i'm picturing something more like those cartoon versions of germs and viruses on those Toenail Fungus commercials. They are all slimy, dripping with ooze and unfriendly. i'm feeling a little uncomfortable now just thinking about it. ( The Toenail Fungus commercial, that is.)

i guess i want to see something tangible, something besides my measly imagery conjured up, based on medical descriptions. I can't clearly understand/ comprehend what exactly is going to happen on Thursday because I don't fully know where all this effer is...neither do the docs. There is the question of it being close to that ever important "flexing" nerve...that they "won't know until we open it up and see" has echoed in the back of my mind whenever i let thoughts wander way back there.

Yes, "at least i'll be able to walk"...this is true: and MONUMENTAL, make no doubt... AND i am CERTAIN that, whatever the difficulty in recooping, i'll be fine and adapt. Make no mistake: i am THANKFUL and count my blessings everyday...it's just that weird, uncomfortable feeling of when you don't know what's around the corner.

I last felt like this when i was pregnant. I had something growing inside me. For 9 months, the excitement grew as the baby did, and we could only imagine what it would be like to bring that baby home. Despite all the books i'd read or stories i'd heard, i couldn't actually conceptualize what life would be like after that birth.

Really, the parallel that originally came to mind here was the inablility to see beyond S-Day, Thursday of this week. Writing this i realize another: I've been carrying another "something" around on my knee, this parasitic growth, surviving on the same cells and blood that keep the rest of me alive! Instead of excitement growing, its been something else* completely different. I've known for months that its going to be cut out...but i don't have "What to Expect When You're Expecting Surgery" or "The Girlfriends Guide to Surgery" in this case. All i've got are some X-rays and CAT scans... that i can't find.

* that something else? Once the initial fear of hearing the word "Cancer" subsided, it's been a flurry of emotions/feelings/experiences that haven't finished swirling yet. (I picture them finally floating down around me after this is all over with.) Among those flurries, the fear has not been there...even now. Honestly. I can only attribute this to the Faith that i have, and to all the prayers that have been lifting me up. This bravery isn't "me", the confidence isn't from ME...the comfort and calm that i have does not come from me! Its truly a gift from God. I am certain that I'd be a freaking basket case otherwise.

......OH! i just remembered where that blasted folder is with the CD in it. Later.