Tuesday, June 26, 2007

one more bad-mood-inspired blog

Rose Kennedy said, "Birds sing after a rain storm, why shouldn't we?" Well, this bird prefers to whistle after the storm, but i get it. I try to use this quote to cheer myself up sometimes, to pull myself out of the tight grasp of negativity.

Ok.... birds, storms, whistles and gum-analogies aside*, i need to write one more bad-mood-inspired blog: Only because its cathartic and brings home the point that i actually gleaned something from a bad time, so can say i learned something.

In a conversation recently, i mentioned that cancer has changed my life. The response was an unexpected "How?" and something to the effect that it wasn't noticeable. After fuming, and eventual gum-scraping, i've done hours of thinking on this. Since i've tried to be light-hearted in my writing, i suppose i can see how change isn't noticeable , but i feel that it should be.

I think that's why this conversation bothered me so much, because there's no turning back to my "pre-cancer-days"....yet i haven't come out on the other side yet. Are my perceived changes fleeting? Superficial? Unconvincing? Is this person just not getting enough information from me...or am i not communicating well?

i'm afraid it's the latter because its easier that way. Yes, i've written in my Knee-Bunion Adventures about pickles, diners and Mitchum deodorant. There are funny thoughts that still pop into my head, despite any sad or scary thoughts that lurk there. I write about silly thoughts, candid observations and poignant encounters because that's been my experience so far. It doesn't mean that this has been "fun", its just that i'm trying to make the most out of it.

I'm still developing my thoughts on the impact this has had/ will continue to have on my life. i'll try to be better about including the important stuff, like how "Cancer has changed my life". When i figure it out, i'll be sure and let you know.

Meanwhile, the rain in Houston has taken a break. I got to whistle "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" for friends in the Hospitality(Free Coffee) area and i'm listening to my new friend LaVerne play the piano. Life is sweet and i'm glad i'm outta that damn bad mood!!! (Bet you are too, eh, dear readers?....)

*see previous post


Chrissy said...

you're still in the middle of this thing, and still changing and growing because of it. people go through stuff all the time, and it makes sense to let it settle in yourself first before you show it to anyone else. i recently went through some heavy stuff and even though i didn't talk to a lot of people about it, i feel different. sharper. smarter. sassier. it's hard to explain and i won't even try, because i am sure you understand these kinds of things better than anyone. i think the light-hearted parts of your blog are a testament to your faith and strength - keep it up! keep changing, keep growing, keep making a difference!

hugs and kisses!

Smack Bauer #24 said...

thank you thank you! you are right on the mark; it has to settle in before we can really examine how things affect us. you put a smile on my face, once again.
take care...look forward to seeing you.

Zay said...

ruby, you do such a great job of keeping your spirits up. you are a positive being and you continue to impress me. you inspire me to be a positive seoul too. :)

i think because of this maybe some people totally miss the fact that what you and your family are going through is in fact very hard.

remain positive, my sweet...you are the toughest girl that i know and i admire you for staying so strong for not only your family but for your friends too.

Cyndi H said...

Moods are constantly changing, like haircolor.

Personality is set, like your lovely classic profile.
Like your enormous intuition into human need. And your tremendous spirit of joy & fun!

Your vessel of mirth is a little depleted now. Accept it. It's temporary. Waking up everyday and realizing that cancer wasn't a bad dream must be difficult. I cannot pretend to imagine to understand.

Let things settle. Give yourself permission to say, "Thank you for asking. I really want to hear your thoughts on:

a) global warming
b) school prayer
c) recycling
d) violence on television
e) cleaning tile grout

Deflect & redirect. Wear a bluetooth in case of conversation emergency.

cynda avoidance tactic

Feel free to use this on me, too!!

Smack Bauer #24 said...

Kudos to the last 2 comments! S, you are a Positive Seoul; right back at you with the inpirational stuff! and cynda, you continue to crack me up with your keen observations; i'll work on those suggested topics...good idears.