Thursday, September 04, 2008

i took this off a week ago

It didn't match what i was wearing...even though there have been plenty of times throughout the year I've worn it whether it "matched" or seemed like it was time to take it off.
i put it here by the sink to remember to put it on again. It's sat there all week.

Every morning i see it and i decide not to put it on. i think about it...and my thoughts start to wander, then pool into other thoughts: "Its been a year since surgery" "When is my next appointment?" " I knew I'd screw up continuing with those exercises..." "What am i doing with my Blog...?" "What am i doing with all of this?" So, i took a picture of it....thought about blogging again.

I haven't wanted to put it away. It's true; those silly things are a regular reminder. I have a friend who wears a purple one to remind her to stay positive. Whenever she says something negative, she puts the bracelet on the other wrist. So what if she is regularly switching that thing back and forth, its a great reminder of something she wants to remain focused on.

ok...i just went to my bathroom and put the damn thing back on. I switched wrists so I'm not so used to seeing it that its lost its meaning to me. I think that might have been part of my problem all week...i had really gotten used to seeing it after a year of wearing it, and it has been easy to forget what it means. Maybe "forget" isn't the best word: "ignore" might be more on target.

So, it's been a year of milestones: a year since diagnosis, a year since first treatment, a year since last treatment, a year since Roller Derby fell apart, a year since surgery....and soon a year since rehabilitation. All year, i have forced myself to stay so busy, that i've hardly noticed these milestones. Honestly, my intent in staying so busy was this irresistable urge to make up for lost not waste another moment. Inadvertantly, i find myself in an awkward place. Shouldn't i have celebrated that Year-After-Surgery day? i really can't even say what i was doing that day...what day was that anyway?

i haven't intentionally avoided writing here, but i think My Knee-Bunion Adventures blog is about spent. What are my Knee-Bunion adventures anymore? I go to MDAnderson every 3 months for a check-up...that's about it. On occasion, I'll look at my scar and marvel at what those doctors were able to do....but i'm not moved to write about it. Really, after last year, i got tired of thinking, writing, talking, listening, reading, going through "It".

I need a fresh start. September hardly seems the time to start anew, but its a milestone for me. Last September, I felt so thankful to be able to walk! Every step was labored, but brought me closer to improvement: closer to getting "back to normal". Problem is, now that i've gotten to where i thought that was, I'm not sure that's where i should be. It feels like there is something missing. I'm pretty sure that thing is that "C" word i've been trying so hard to get away from.

"Normal Life" still includes Cancer. The Knee-Bunion is gone, but my experience remains. Shame on me for trying to forget that.


Chaybee said...

Wow! I knew you looked focus this morning when I saw you at FUMC. I think September is a perfect time for new starts.. just think- new school shoes, clean notebooks, shiney pencil cases. We'll let you let go of this blog, as long as you promise to start a new one.. I LOVE to read your writing!!!

Zay said...

I have a hard time reading you scold yourself when I admire your strength and positivity so much.

If there are times that you do "forget" I don't think it's from you not being grateful for being healthy. I think it's just hard to ignore life's momentum that pushes you forward and away from the "C" word.

Mary T said...

There's nothing wrong with wanting to move on. It doesn't mean you've forgotten. Don't beat yourself up about it or get rid of your blog (!); you can always rename it. Also, I think September is a great fresh start time since it's the beginning of the school year and all. I will get you a bouquet of freshly-sharpened pencils to commemorate!

KB said...

I start over all the time and look at me. ;-) So ... I may not be the best example.